Growing Through Life

today is a happy day

2012-02-01T00:10:00.000+08:00

oh happy day. that's all i can say. today i was almost late for my class, but then it was ok because my student fell ill and was not able to come for writing class. i worried, but anyway i visited a close teacher and we chatted merrily for the duration of second class. not bad, because i missed her a lot. she's my closest female friend in school, so i enjoyed it a lot.

after that we went upstairs to do some office work. i helped craft a new eop badge, with ryan leading us. then lunch break came...so i had to take my toeic test as part of our monthly evaluation. i felt confident about my answers, except for two items. so i might have a pretty good shot at getting some top rank among the teachers. kkkk yey, but i think i shall review some more... right after taking my toeic test, i had fifteen minutes left of the lunch break, so i dashed to the cafeteria to get some quick bite, because i was really hungry. on the way i met teacher kevin, my teammate... so we ate together quickly. it was the first time that i had lunch with him, so it was a novel experience. i think we got to know each other better, which i think is good.^^

next period was sgc. nowadays i am having a fun challenge with my students, three of them, because two went to cebu. we had a very very good discussion about jobs, family, and dreams. i saw myself being very comfortable with them. and it kinda hurt to think that i had only eight days with them. kk but it's ok. i am happy to have known them better these past few days. hmmm... but tomorrow we resume regular sgc class...meaning the challenge is over and we have to go back to the book. i heard them saying, awwwww kkkkk which was enough to make me smile.

after that, as expected, yeong ki was absent. i was with him the night before, so i understood his situation. kkk old people get tired too easily kkk good thing andy was there to entertain me a bit. he is asking for a dinner meeting with me and someone special. i hit him because i know he is just using me as an excuse to spend time with the woman that he likes. kkkk well i can't blame him. my student is actually pretty and i like her because she is kind and diligent.

last class was interesting because i got to play with students and teachers. one student took my bright yellow shoes, and wore them for show. here's the catch- she is seven years old. and she likes me, which is very unusual for kids. another student, who seemed friendly enough, chatted with me as i went on playing around with the little girl.

after thirty minutes, i decided to do some office work, so i went upstairs in the office to help my supervisor make some final test questions. i thought it was fun. one question is my favorite- you're eating in an exotic restaurant and you friend tells you that you are eating monkey brain. what would you do? kkk i like these thought-provoking queries kkkkk

after that, i played the guitar with one of my close friends, ian. i taught him how to play his familiar song. good try for him. also, we had a good chat...then it was time to go home. we had to wait for our other family members to finish with some duties in the office... later, after about forty minutes, jas, jr, jim, ian, and i had a feast...pizza, salad, chicken, fish, squid, potatoes, beer, and iced tea. it was a great way to end a long tiring day. everyone looked tired but happy. i felt dizzy with the delicious taste of all the food we had. while eating, we talked about a lot of funny things. we laughed a lot. on my part, there was a point that i was laughing uncontrollably because of some ridiculous suppositions made mainly by jas. super funny. i was careful not to drink anything as he went on talking. kkk

and now i am home. i had a good chat with my ma. i wish we always had this kind of connection, however things go. after finishing my cleanup, i thought abiut it and realized that i had a good good day... so i smiled and decided to exercise my writing skills. it's been a while since i had written anything here... what a day. now i must retire. i think i should kkk i hadn't been getting a lot of good sleep these past few days. also the numbness comes and goes... i should take care of this soon.

simply thinking

2011-12-30T01:25:00.001+08:00

now i am just enjoying the silence of the night... and i finally figured out how to express my thinking. here goes...

my dear, i feel sad that we are apart. i guess this is one thing that won't change for a while. hehe... i also feel sad that we are unable to spend more time together especially these days. even if i understand this, it is still a sad thing because i want to spend more time with you. nevertheless, i feel happy because even as time goes by, i believe that our companionship is growing into something lovelier, much lovelier than what i had expected it to be. even from afar, you make me smile and laugh and you make me feel important, special, loved, precious... you make me explore emotions i had not previously experienced and you make me discover more about myself. you are such a great person, a great friend...i believe you are. and i believe you are beside me, even when we are far apart. how can i ask for anything more? how did i get so blessed? yes, i realize that you're still not my ideal, not ever my ideal... because you go beyond it. and everyday i am thankful to God that...you are here... and you even make me write this out... you make it easy for me to express myself... someday i hope to express these things more clearly to you, i know this is all scattered thinking, but for now, thank you, thank you.

the perpetual backseat occupant

2011-12-23T09:54:00.001+08:00

the feeling that you are always on the bottom list of everyone around you... the feeling that it doesn't matter to anyone whether or not you're there... that the world can go on peacefully without you right there for them...

the backseat occupant is someone who is never needed. in a car, all you need is for the front seat occupant- yes, the driver- so the car will run. even if the backseat occupant is not present, it doesn't matter. the driver can still keep running the engine without any whims. after all, the backseat person can even be a disadvantage...or if the occupant is not there, well...everything is still on operation... nothing to worry about. for delightful companionship, the passenger's seat is open... the seat next to the driver... that's a fine, fine position to be in.

however i try to deny it, i feel so sad because of this state...i realize i am always the backseat occupant in everyone's lives. the people around me don't care. hmmm how i want to be topsomething on people's lists... the one they would remember when they have some good or bad news.... some crazy whim or some food to eat...some story to tell... but nowadays i realize, i have fallen to this belief that wherever i go in this world, i am just the last thing on everyone's mind. people especially forget when they are too happy. recently, people around me have been receiving really good news...and i noticed how they also pass me by after that...no hearty greetings, no dinner invitations, no sincere questions of "how are you?" and not even hello that is not just being polite...especially this time when i desperately need a lot of friends beside me...nobody's really there...of course i have a lot of friends, but nobody was really present to take the time to check...or did i fail to notice that i never mattered to anyone in the first place? a few people told me, don't feel that way, you're important... but the message i receive with their actions are, "you don't matter. i don't think you're important. i don't need you." i am sensing it might have a lot to do with my love language...i treasure quality time and words, so i get equally disappointed when i am hit in the same method. i don't know. i am messed up with this thinking. maybe i believed too much, expectd too much... or did i get dragged by lies that i can be on anyone's passenger's seat?

the fact remains that i feel like the perpetual backseat occupant and that it's nobody's fault. i cannot expect, cannot ask, cannot request...i cannot complain because nobody is perfect. nobody can ever really know this. i was the fire...now i am the invisible wind. maybe it's a seasonal thing...whatever. i am alone. Lord, why is this happening? i feel hurt. but i know, You have my cure for this secret loneliness...give me that please...so my holidays will be good and i can go back to caring more about the people around me, even from the backseat.

maybe it's the rain

2011-11-05T20:11:00.000+08:00

I need to touch your face and hold you close
This tenderness that tells a lovely prose
Can we dance in the afterglow of the day
Someday, sit side by side and say

The loving words that were left unsaid

And promises that shine truly, brightly ahead?

Maybe it's the rainy day

That keeps me thinking of someday

But rain or shine

Don't mind what's on the line

I'll be keeping you

Under this umbrella, I think of you

And all the funny things we used to do

And frown at all the chances that we missed

And smile hopefully at what we have at least

It's drives me crazy, it's unfair, I shouldn't care

I'm not usually, like this, yet I swear

Maybe it's the rainy day

That keeps me thinking of someday

But rain or shine

Don't mind what's on the line

I'll be keeping you

I'll be keeping you close

I'll be keeping you safe

Just enjoying what is now

Knowing somehow

One rainy day

We shall be standing side by side

And leave nothing, nothing to hide

Laugh under the same umbrella

Watching the rain fall, with some crazy fella

Yeah, maybe it's the rain...

One-minute thought

2011-11-05T19:26:00.000+08:00

Iniisip ko ngayon kung masama bang mahulog ang loob ko sa iyo nang ganito.

Hindi mapalagay ang isip ko sa nararapat kong gawin.

Mahal kita. Alam mo iyan.

Sana'y hindi ka nagdududa.

Ngunit naiisip ko lang...tama bang ganito ako sa iyo?

Kasi mahal na kita ngunit hindi ka naman akin.

Akin ka na lang sana.

Ngunit natatakot din akong isiping baka itong lahat ay isang panaginip,

Na hindi ka naman talagang mabait at nararapat para sa akin.

Ang puso ko'y nasaktan na nang paulit-ulit,

Ngunit bakit ba hindi na natuto sa nakaraan?

Naniniwala akong iba ka sa kanila...

At minsan, sa pagtitig ko sa iyong mga mata

Ay nasusulyapan ko ang matamis na oo sa panghabangbuhay.

I don't mind

2011-11-03T21:43:00.000+08:00

I don't mind...

3000 kilometers? 3000 days?

I don't mind the ways

Just as long as we talk

And keep our hands locked

You and I

Will probably sigh

With every song

In this waiting, so long

Just drink some cola

Under our umbrella

To the day we meet

And together sit

Eat whatever food

Any cuisine is good

I don't mind the menu

Just as long as it's with you

And I don't mind the world

Maybe they never heard

Of our crazy laughter

Why even bother

What others can say

When you and I can stay...

Together...this way

I don't mind. Do you?

No Matter What

2011-10-23T10:00:00.001+08:00

Is it a bad thing to see him not as a "maybe" (50%), but as a "probably"(75%)?

Maybe that's why I am keeping quiet these days. I keep on thinking and thinking... and I am honestly scared of the answers to my deep questions. Will they be positive? If he realizes what I have realized, will he run away? I guess I shall wait for a long while to find out.

A time came that I told myself...and I told him...that I 'd like us to stay together just until we can. But this time, I think my mind is changed...I don't want just that. More than ever, I am thinking that I want us to stay together no matter what happens...I want to hold him no matter if the possibilities, maybes, or probabilities live...or die. I want to hold him in jokes, seriousness, success, failure, laughter, tears, supporting, fighting, in friendship, or love...this kind of thing. I want to hold him.

Will he love me for that long? I wonder. Even as a friend and lover, or only...as a friend... I just want him. And as I write this, I stop myself from...

Grrrrr. Die, crazy woman. You're crazy...

Dear Someone

2011-10-16T00:38:00.001+08:00

Crazy entry.

Probably you are already sleeping...or maybe studying...? You're very diligent and you really know how to focus. I see myself as a fairly competitive person, but I admire you more in that sense. Of course I haven't really worked closely with you, but I just believe you are more industrious that I am. Do you know that? kkkk How I wish to see you in action, in school... that would surely be something.^^ I knew you were crazier than I! Ha! kkkkkkk

Anyway, the busy week is coming. Probably we will be spending less time together, I think. Today i felt this...and I somewhat felt... so I converted this stress into writing...it's a process...kkkk (I'll explain next time we talk) Anyway, as agreed, we will adjust our schedules, and be flexible with whatever is available to us. As I had agreed with you, I will strive to go home earlier and rearrange my schedule so I can rest well, too. And it's a positive challenge! How you inadvertently challenge me! kkkkk Please don't let me bother you and let's endure this...and more...

And here comes the most important part of this entry:

Someone, I hope you know and understand that you are very important to me. Maybe you only understand half of it..? But believe it, you are very special and I am always proud of you. I will always be proud of you. If ever you feel sad, or alone, or just doubting yourself...remember there is always someone, even from afar, even if it seems like a dreamland away, who is thinking well about you and who believes that you are great...who cares about what you want to achieve, what you feel, what you think, and what you're working at. Meeting you...missing you...talking to you...all the moments that we have shared and will share...they are all significant to me. You are precious in my heart...my dear, my dear Someone who always strives to be there for me, who makes me glow... please do not forget...you are loved...by me. My emotions are easily moved when I think about you.

That' there is a woman here...who is beside you... who wants to walk with you... who wants to be your eyes... who wants to be your night star... who doesn't mind being crazy... who wants to always be your someone...

I have.

2011-10-08T18:02:00.000+08:00

Right now I feel so fragile and close to tears...like a little girl. For someone who is emotionally smart (I claim to be!), this is quite a challenge, as it is a new kind of feeling. Now, I don't know how to handle this sort of sentiment. There are times that I feel sentimental, but this episode is a lot different in the sense that I can't reach the threshold when I can say, "Enough!" and be done with it.

Grrrrr. Aaaaaaaaaa. *going crazy*

Mind control isn't working for this sort, I think. This is the time that I feel frustrated but happy, because I know I am growing up. This is the time that I think of someone and sigh because my heart feels like it's really going to give way and fall...for him.:)

Fall for him?
I stop to ask: Has it not fallen?>:)

Yesterday I was discussing the issue of love and social status with my class. The focus was turned solely to love. The final question was, "Have you (really given everything and) fallen in love?" Three out of four students answered affirmative. Right after that, two of them asked me in unison, extending open hands to me, with smiles, "How about you?"

I fell silent for a while as I pondered over this matter. Slowly, I replied to them, "Honestly, no. I haven't. I am a thinker, a 'mind' person. Sure, there were times I thought so, but I have never really given my whole mind to anyone."

And they were all in quiet shock as I explained to them how I act around men. Then I paused, looked at them thoughtfully, and continued:

"But there is someone...who is making me...feel different. He is very special."

Today, as I was on my way home, I felt frustrated because I had been trying to send a message to him, but the signal is not good. I kept on until I felt tired of it and gave up. In my disappointment, I realized...and told my friend, sighing...smiling...feeling stupid...

"OMG. Really, I think..."

The man with the glasses (a hilarious take on complex thinking)

2011-10-02T16:45:00.001+08:00

Brick by brick of crazy thoughts,
Conceptualizing, crazy thoughts,
Layer, each layer, of lunacy,
Conclusive ideas, of lunacy,
I build a wall relentlessly,
I think and think relentlessly,
Round and round, my Berlin wall,
Protective, strong, my Berlin wall,
With every square, I'm higher up,
Cement and smear, I'm higher up,
I will be safe, away from the world,
It's peaceful here, away from the world,
No one will hurt, keep everyone out,
No one will disturb, keep everyone out,

But now I can't breathe, I'm feeling dizzy,
I'm feeling lightheaded, my view's getting fuzzy,

Oh, and I see a man...the man with the glasses,
Is this a mirage? My mind's a mess!

Wait a while...this isn't right-
I may need a little more light:

How did you get in here?! (Do not bother to answer.)
Why are you here??! (Oh, what the father!!!)

Now I think... I am really crazy.

I need you...

2011-09-25T21:42:00.000+08:00

I just woke up from a bad dream this afternoon... it's terrible, and it left me feeling so ugly...and in my heart, even if I have fun and eat tonight, I know when I go home I'll be thinking and thinking about it. And more than usual, today I miss you more and I wish you can hold me now so I can disregard this ugly feeling. And how I realized...

*taking a deep breath*

I need you to assure me that you will always be there, that I am lovely the way I am, that I don't need to go model-thin, change my hairdo, or change the way I dress so you will tell me that. I need you to hold me and embrace me fiercely when the storm in my life is strongest, when I'm being brought at my lowest by my problems, when I am my biggest critic, when the people around me tell me that I can never do anything right. I want you to be my biggest fan. When the bad dreams come, I want you to catch me before I totally fall into it. I want you to tell me that you will always be there.

But then again, this is just...my confused wishful thinking...maybe for now...and the terrible feeling remains...

anni is a chicken, but she's keeping the crazy guy for sure.

2011-09-21T13:25:00.001+08:00

Right now I am sitting among my Pink friends as they are eating lunch, but I feel that I am in a completely different place. Everyday, I miss him... I really miss him. Just thinking of him gets intense to the point that I laugh to myself...the memories that are so clear to me to this day...

Three days ago, he reminded me that it's been a month since we last saw each other...and left. I expressed that I am both thrilled with joy and terrified with fear. I am thrilled because even from afar, our fondness for each other never went cold...and it grew much stronger than I had expected. Oh, how I love this, no doubt...

But at the same time I am terrified, because when I think about the months that will come...my old pessimistic side whispers to me a question that I fear the most.

Yes, I will always have my fears, but with this fear, I want to stay close to him, hold him, and know his mind deeply... I will always wish for this... that he will hold me for... for a long time, and always assure me that he will be there. I have been meaning to ask him about this, but is it ever right to ask for this? All I asked for was for us to stay close...that is all... and I should just content myself with that.

....

Other than biting the apple too early, I have no regrets. I hope he knows that I never, ever... never regret keeping close like do now, holding his hand from afar...sleeping under the same sky, anticipating the coming days, holding the same umbrella under the crazy rain... Come to think about it, I never regret every moment...I treasure every moment (!)- the shared laughter, tears, anger, music, confusion, conversation...and in time, I have to accept my regrets with all that. It's part of the whole equation of...love. I hope he feels the same way.

Most of all, I never regret liking... no, not liking... loving him. I am sure it's love! But I cannot tell this directly to him, because of my set of personal fears, including that one great fear. I am such a chicken...T.T

Hopefully, the time will come when I will also find the right season to share these fears with him... and still hold his hand... and if I am lucky, he'd find the courage to hold me closer, much closer than I ask...

There is a good reason why I don't talk about...

2011-09-19T23:59:00.001+08:00

I have already thought of the many things I desire, and clearly, one of them is... is him. He is very special to me, more than he probably knows. I treasure all the time we have...every moment, I am thankful for. But truthfully, if there is an action I regret, it's the fact that I bit the apple too early, unripe and sour...and I wish I hadn't been so childish to take something that wasn't mine...or mine yet? (But this has happened already, so there is not much I can do. Not even thinking about it over and over can solve it.) Just walking on ahead, making things better by deepening our relationship, slowly and surely...this is all I am very keen on doing.

Even after everything I've done, my views have not changed- I still think that a good relationship must grow naturally... and physicality must be kept in check, as it impedes the deepening of a wonderful thing. Self-control is something I truly prize. And yes, he is wonderful...so wonderful that I pay particular attention to this point so seriously. *sigh* Hands off! Not mine! Grrr. Lord!!! So frustrating! I wanna... Can I not... oh... grrr... ok, ok... no biting the apple... haha...

I believe Lord, that you know me so well (and You probably know about my dragon issue), so maybe, just maybe...You gave us this time apart, so we can preserve each other while prayerfully waiting for the right time when we will meet again. We also need a lot of time to grow in Your love! This is a heavy reason, I think. And I like it...the fondness grows even from afar. Even when sometimes I don't acknowledge it, he must know this...how I treasure him in my life...how I yearn to look after him...to take the time to talk and listen to his mind, know him better... So I thank you so much, Lord... you know best. Whatever happens... be here to love me and take care of these things which I know nothing of...

May You always keep our relationship in the right pace...

But I wonder...can he take it all when I come rushing at him like a tsunami that hits the unsuspecting shore? Can I launch all my tide on him when the chance comes?

*naughty self-conscious laugh*
Must keep the dragon asleep. Yes, Lord... *hitting self* ...check the thought process...^^

Oh! If You will bless it, I want to be right there in his arms one day...and find out for myself!

keep my sorries to myself...unless necessary

2011-09-15T00:14:00.000+08:00

I realized something very important today. Thank you Lord. I hope to hold this so that things will be much much better.

Selfishness is not a good thing. To eliminate this, I shall go back to the days when I think more. I won't lose this heart of mine, though...my heart has realized a lot of good things, especially this year. Yet it is still deceitful if used without brain supervision. Hahahaha.

A minor thing I took note of today is that I say sorry too much. My student told me this morning again that I should have some pride and not apologize profusely. He expressed that he only said sorry for an average of twice a year. Hmm. And he's not the first to tell me this. I remember someone who already told me that a few months back.

It's a wakeup call for change, I guess. Hmm one step at a time...there's no need to run...it's like learning to fly...

aaaaaa you confuse me so much...

2011-09-10T10:05:00.000+08:00

right after i write the last note, she comes in looking so pretty and wearing a new dress. she asked me if she looked good with such a dress...i think i need to encourage her- the dress looks superb.

how can i hate you for a long time... how you easily get me back...suddenly, i am not angry anymore. it's not fair.

hahaha.

her method is girl bonding...

shoot me! now! hahaha. the end?

no, i am going to church tomorrow... because I want to thank God for all the good things I have.

you've crossed the line, and i'm bleeding because of you.

2011-09-10T09:58:00.000+08:00

I woke up feeling sick, my body is weak, and yet my mind is so sharp enough now that I need to spill my thoughts over something. It's been a long time since I felt something this powerful...and it's not a good thing.

It's been a few years...

Why do you do this to me? You tell me what to do, you bend me to your will, you play games with my emotions so I will give in to your whims... yet you don't see how it hurts me that you, the person I love the most in the world, and in all my life, have the capacity to throw me down in a snap and kill my spirit. I was so happy yesterday, yet...just a few minutes with you, and I fell crying because you've broken me so easily in the same way over and over again...

Well I don't understand why it's not enough...
Because I gave it all to you.

I give you everything I got~ I think more than most people can. I love you, you know that... I always tell you, let you feel, in all ways I can, that I love you the most and nothing can change that. All my life I have obeyed your major decisions over mine...my choices have been disregarded and reshaped because you, you had your frustrations and I wanted to let you have mine. I have even chosen to turn away from my desire to go to church, and I lied that I did not have love for God anymore, because it was hurting you... because you refused to accept me for what I am...despite my explanations, my pleas, my tears...

...

What have I done to myself? I think because of you, I have forgotten to respect my individuality. I have refused to learn how to make my own decisions for myself. I have reshaped my mind against my strengths, because you didn't want them. I think I even desired to be a man for a long time, because I felt that you loved them more than you loved me...was gender really the issue (as your other companions tell me)?

If you did love me since way back, then why do I not feel that respect? Why do I feel so inferior around you? Other people make me feel great, confident, and wonderful, but you always know how to tell me how stupid and incapable I am.

Oh, and yesterday, you told me how I usually deserve to get hit anyway because I am annoying. I will never forget that. Ouch. (So that's why you never really defended me...)

I will stand up for my heart's desire and love God openly, not because you approve of this, but because it is what I want. I told you in letters and right words that I will never give up my relationship with God, even if it kills me. I still think and feel the same.

Honestly, I don't see why it hurts you~ do you not have the same God? Last night you told me "the demons have taken over me" and I am acting like a really rebellious child because of this new 'God'...?

And having this relationship does not guarantee that I will be perfect. The reason why I have Him is because I am not at all perfect, and He will make me better each day. So don't hit me all the time with, "You're being (unwanted action here) because you pray to your God" what is that all about?!

From now on, I will become myself and accept myself. I will love God because I want to, not because someone told me I should be in this church doing this and that...come on, I am 24 and I don't need a permission slip to worship God!

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
Because the pieces don't fit anymore

Hmm. Maybe last night was a wake-up call.

I hope I don't carry on with this heartache and hatred for a long time, because I really hated what you did to me last night. God help me forgive...because I am a mess right now.

(free verse) lost

2011-09-07T03:51:00.000+08:00

How you move my heart so much...
How you move me so easily...

And even if I don't like it,

I frown in delightful protest
And dive into your arms...

But you don't know because maybe you don't want to know...
I don't know... maybe you don't love me anymore...

But why do I feel like you've taken my heart in your hand...
And you can squeeze it 'til I cry...
But if I should cry, I would...
But not in front of you...
If it would hurt you.

I will love you, smiles, and laughter,
I will take you, tears and all...
I will embrace your brutal frankness,
Your gentleness...
Everything about you... I accept.

And if you really don't feel the same,
I will... fall away and accept
That I lost...
You

note of acceptance

2011-09-05T00:27:00.001+08:00

My heart is breaking,
I'm catching my breath,
I am falling, sinking,
To my next death...

You closed the door
So gracefully
I shouldn't love you anymore
So finally,

I am saying goodbye
To this beautiful dream
My love's a bitter lie
You're not him

I should let go
Feigning a smile
Walk away and grow
Step away in style

You will never see
Within these eyes
You will always be
My heart's sunrise

It is not enough
To be your friend
But I will take it enough
For I am your friend.

i got my answer, and it's better than none

2011-09-05T00:13:00.000+08:00

you are right... now is not the time, Lord... i should hide my mind and move away. i have to stop wanting something that is not mine... he is not interested anyway, and i totally get the point. and thank you for giving me such a good friend. that is better than nothing, right... so as to the question of to tell or not to tell... yeah, i got my answer finally... and it's sad, heartbreaking, but happy at the same time that it's easier to take because the answer is given. also, it's better and more merciful than none. personally i prefer this better than none. it's much friendlier.

but the art of letting go leaves to be done on my part. wake up, stop hoping in the subconscious, and move on to the real world. he's not interested. you must follow this... stop living in your dream like yesterday. learn and learn well...

submit to God and say thank you.

wanting

2011-09-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

i want us to stay close together even from a distance. i want you to tell me what's on your mind... i want every detail... your heart issues, what you do... what makes you happy, what sets you off... i want your opinion on political issues, human haabits, or the story behind your favorite shirt... i want to hear how school went, what happened at home during dinner... your family, friends, teachers, isnpirations... nothing is boring or out of place, so long as it's yours.

i want to walk beside you in life... just being open and comfortable. i want to give you that space here with me where you can be your plain self- and it's gonna be okay. express your mind freely. laugh, cry, contemplate... be serious, go crazy, set things simple or mess it up a bit for hype or challenge. dance to your heart's content. eat! tell me your stories...i have the time to listen. i want you to be yourself.. and open that world to me.

i want you to be my lifetime friend.

so, so, so sad

2011-09-03T01:17:00.000+08:00

i am sad... no, it's not because of anyone. it's because of something i hoped for but never came. i thought it was my solution but no.

so sad... i feel so useless and stagnant with this situation. what do i do... exactly my problem- what do i do to solve this? for now i have no answer but sleep. but right now i feel queasy and i can't relax, so my eyes are open although i am really tired.

i am going to stop this now. lord, help me... tell me what to do, you're my boss for life.

i have limits and you don't. you know where this is going right... then encourage me and take my hand so you can lead me there.

to tell or not to tell...

2011-09-01T15:41:00.000+08:00

I remember that time when we argued about our misunderstanding. You left for a weekend trip as I spent the days thinking about how to cover up my emotions so you couldn't see how sad I really felt. I thought I had to cover up because you told me that you didn't want me to be sad because of you. On the day we had met again, I acted like you were nothing special to me. It's more peaceful that way, I thought. But you reacted and told me how strange this was...and how you did not like this. My walls crumbled as I told you of my intentions...and how much I missed you.

Right now I am given a lot of time to think... and think. I miss you, you know... but I don't know how to tell you, or if it is even right to tell you about it. I am not sure of how to act around you, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when I do tell you that I really, really miss you now, that my memories of you are so wonderful, that you make me feel so loved and precious, even from a distance of about 3000km away...

You are so lovely... it's like your beautiful mind is my private wonder world... and I don't mind getting lost in it... is it right to tell you all this? In such a short time, I know our relationship is very special... and I don't want to ruin anything by overdoing things... like telling you how I feel... (God help me... how do I throw this off...)

But you did tell me that I should just tell you anything at anytime, even just through the internet. I remember this. But... I am just worried that you might feel differently, that I may become overconfident, or worse, a distraction to you... God forbid!

OK, OK... I guess 'overcontemplation' is really my habit. Grrr. *frustrated*

Loneliness is a good acquaintance, but never a lifelong friend

2011-08-24T12:26:00.000+08:00

I'm awfully lonely today. It's as if I fell down in a fluff of loneliness and I just want to stay under... don't want to face the world, don't want to get up from this sad comfort...

Can anyone find me here before I muster the strength to get back on my feet and carry on? I am not sure... it seems like I woke up from a beautiful dream... well yes, it's beautiful, but that's just it- it's just a dream.

The dream is that I met a lot of wonderful people who took the time to understand and know my mind. The dream is that I spend a lot of good times and bad times with them. The dream is that I found lifelong friends- brothers and sisters whom I shared emotions and stories with. The dream is that I found my first love and I had a lot of memories with him. The dream is that I found exceptional souls who cared about what I had to say and did not mind if I thought too much all the time and said too much at times. The dream is that I got crazy with them and nobody said I was doing it wrong.

Dreams... maybe that's all they are meant to be.

I had to say goodbye and get on with reality without them. That's why I am sad. I find it hard to accept that those precious moments are meant to stay in the fantasy world somewhere... that my world is quiet again without them making the noise...

I pray that I'll be able to get up and... as my brother had told be before... find happiness in other things...

Project MESS-

2011-08-10T22:37:00.000+08:00

Recently some friends of mine inspired me step beyond the yellow line... kinda like those "police line do not cross" yellow tapes plastered all around some crime scene in some forensic series. And I am the trespasser that dared to go across...

Here's what I learned so far.

First, it is true that the forbidden things bring pleasure. Man's nature it is. But it's only for the short term, mind you... CS Lewis was right when he expressed his thoughts about man being too easily pleased, giving in to short-term pleasures without seeing the bigger picture. Easy to decide, easy to fade...such is the attribute of most worldly pleasures. And the trouble with some of these pleasures is that... they have the dangerous potential of eating us up, consuming us...making some stray too far and become oblivious to the difference of right and wrong (and I am defining this in the biblical sense, not what the world dictates).

Experience is indeed an expensive course. It is effective for learning, but it is very costly. I think it's not all worth it. After all, some experiences are just... overrated? Hmm. Leaves a lot for curiosity, but I think this is way better than finding out the hard way. (Lord, how do I tackle this? Lead the way for this crazy woman...)

It is important not to trust people too much, because people change like everything else in the face of this balding planet. Maybe today your friend tells you he's gonna be there... but tomorrow, he'll be absent in the significant occasions of your life... which may leave a hole of disappointment in your heart. True, trust is essential, but there are exceptions and we ought to weigh matters with utmost care. I think there is much mercy and kindness exerted when people discourage promise-making... by this, people are not burdened sick by some impulsively set chalkmark in the unpredictable timeline of life. Hope for the best, some people may say- but the risk is too much if it is with people, and not from God who is the only faithful One.

Apologies are not always required when mistakes occur. Sure, as a courtesy, we say sorry... but I think I've overdone this on several occasions. Sometimes, the sorry part is not so significant as the resolution of moving on to the right path... or making up for it. Saying sorry zooms more into the mistake- a good plan for improvement focuses on going one step higher in one's personal development, at the very least. As DX said, "Don't sing it- bring it!"

Decisions must come not only from the mind, but also from the heart. Two years back I had a painful experience of feeling rejected, and I think this unconsciously intensified my logical personality as a defense mechanism to prevent future episodes of hurt. Yes, using the head is good in a lot of decision-making, but not in the absolute sense. My skepticism has served me well, but in the process of numbing myself and putting my heart at habitual rest, I robbed myself of the thrills of being essentially a crazy human being, wired by God with feelings. It took an intense emotionally-wracking experience to break this...tendency of mine. I learned then that in experiencing the fullness of life, emotions are not always disposable... they are even required. We generally do not say "I think happy..." rather, we say, "I feel happy." Right? More importantly, in praising God and being honest with Him in my private confrontations, do I not need the bare human expressions to utter my glorious shouts and cries to him?

Besides, Jesus even cried... 'nuf said.

OK, this is it for now... gotta sleep! So tired of thinking... Good night!

Watch That Heart

2011-06-16T00:34:00.000+08:00

I feel that I have to watch my heart. Biblically speaking, the heart is indeed deceitful. Recently, I came to realize that I am very susceptible to unnecessary affections. I don't like that. I am aware of it, and I believe that I ought to treasure and protect my friends by being true to them. It is not good to go beyond what is must. It's a weakness that I have to look into and surrender everyday.

Yes, I am hoping Lord, that you will enable me to keep my friendships intact by giving me virtues to solidify my integrity. I love You first and I will always want to glorify you in all I can. Ay Lord, I love you... nothing beats the relationship I have with You. Even in the darkest night, You are with me and You're all I ever need.

Panic or Lack of Trust?

2011-04-29T00:01:00.000+08:00

I feel anxious. As usual, like an eager frequenter of the back seat, I find myself attempting to take the wheel from the Lord in this journey called life. When troubles arise or when I find myself feeling powerless in the midst of problems and hopelessness, I struggle more than ever in trusting God and just sitting comfortably behind His will.

Currently my father stopped giving me monetary support, just like that. He withdrew his support just because he wanted to. I think it is too sudden and somewhat unfair, but what can I do? I can just accept this change and trust God more than ever to help me survive and grow in the process. Maybe this is a chance for me to learn money management- budgeting.

On the other hand, I sometimes think that maybe I can be more helpful to my family (and myself) by looking for a job with a much higher salary. I am looking at the call center industry for this. Of course it's a boring but practical option, but the point is, it pays a lot more than my current job. This idea must be a sign of panic in me. I have to admit that I am not used to poverty. It sounds bad, but it is true. In addition to that, I think that the most pathetic experience in the world is hunger and that one of the saddest situations is an empty fridge. I don't want to suffer these things. Maybe that's why I am finding it hard to accept this new and strange adjustment. The truth came to me in full blow just this evening. Just a few days past my 24th birthday, I have to work or else I won't have my own money to spend. I will go hungry and be a bumming adult, jobless and useless. I can almost hear my mother insisting that I should not be thinking of such complications of life yet, that as long as she's there and we're together I don't need to panic or hurry in earning my keep. She is a very caring mother, but I guess this is one thing she finds hard to understand in me. I do feel a strong obligation to be independent as fast as possible so that I would be less of a burden to her as a daughter.

I am keeping my feet planted firmly right where I currently am in this stage in my life, just because I choose to trust God to know better than me. I am perplexed with how things will unfold beautifully from this point...but yeah, I have my hands tied. I am trusting the Lord. Ang hirap! But that's it! God help me!

A Disparity Issue

2011-04-13T00:26:00.001+08:00

Question: If you're a born-again Christian, is it (strictly) forbidden (discouraged or prohibited) to marry a Catholic?

Answer: (from the top of my head) It is very much discouraged. (To say that it is forbidden is bordering on legalism.) Now assuming that the question above is referring to Roman Catholics, I think this is an issue of disparity which should never be taken lightly, especially as Christians, since we are well aware that we are not only dealing with contracts, but more importantly we are risking our Christian faith with a worldly matter- that is, marriage. Note that I used the word risk. It is a heart matter...it exposes the answer to the questions: Where does your heart truly depend on? Who or what are your priorities?

Now I do think that the Roman Catholic Church has its own regulations when it comes to the topic of marital union, particularly in the case of disparity of worship. The RCs also discourage such relations. Its members also believe that such decisions compromise the chance for a healthy family relationship- if not at the time, perhaps as time goes by.

It is true that everyone has different circumstances, and maybe marrying a Roman Catholic might be a 'divine intervention' as with the case of Homer (Hosea and Gomer love team, haha)- but do let me say that it's an entirely different (and perhaps isolated) matter. God ordered Hosea to act. Now as for situations these days, commonly it's not that way. Remember that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. So yeah, maybe some minister would agree to marrying such couples (which I am skeptical of)- but at what price? The risk of divorce gets higher in such case, of course.

Let's simplify things and be more realistic. "Love" isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy- remember that like everything else, it's hugely a God issue as well! So without the relationship of a couple to the Lord, it just won't work wonderfully. I know some exceptions may exist (though I personally haven't encountered one), but for the general crowd, this is probably the case.

On a funny note, shout out ko lang: Kung yun ngang same-belief couples nagkakaluko-luko pa ang pagsasama, what more sa hindi parehong pananampalataya, hehehe.

The reason why we have the guide of the Word is to minimize the risks in life decisions like marriage. I think we ought to pay heed and use these guidelines wisely to our advantage- to faithfully grow and grow closer to God... to undrerstand Him more by following...trusting that He is wiser, His ideas are the best, and we just ought to obey Him and let Him lead us to safe waters.

So what of the couple's relationship? In the first place, the couple-ness should not have been formed, and I believe generally God would not give peace to the Christian party, even at the early stages. They ought to break it off and ideally the Christian party should initiate- with love and gentleness, nevertheless. He or she must make the reason clear: God comes first in all of life's decisions. He must be our first consideration.

Besides, if he or she really loves the other party, he or she will let the other go with the idea that God will win the non-Christian party through the best means, not by some compromised intervention which might even do damage to His perfect plan. Also, letting go enables both parties to grow without some untimely complications. If the love is indeed genuine, friendship will prevail, regardless of disparity of faith. Again, there are exceptions, but I have yet to see one, so I'll zip it.

Of course above all, prayer is very important in settling certain matters. God will talk. But the crazy half of the couple must willingly HEED...:)

Also, stubbornness has its hateful consequences, so the longer aa Christian brother holds to his decisions (in this context), despite receiving word that it's not parallel to God's word, the harder it will be for both him and the non-Christian party.

Cheesy note: Loving does not always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go.

God let you have your free will, your parents let you play in the real-life arena, now let the 'blind' beloved go and see how blessings unfold in her life (as God reaches out to her).

A grave thought: Perhaps (knowingly) marrying a non-Christian may actually be a form of idolatry, as it involves unwittingly putting self-happiness as top consideration (over God). No matter how "noble" our intentions are ("I'll win her" kind of b.s.), it does not justify the real consequences of such a big compromise in our faith. Ultimately, everyone loses here.

I hate you

2011-03-16T23:02:00.000+08:00

This is a brutal lashing.

I hate you. I hate you for thinking that you can just barge into my life without warning. I hate the way you just let yourself in without feeling sorry or even apologizing for your share of the damage between us.. in me. I hate you for being such a miserable childish adult who thinks he can be so cool. You suck. I hate you for being such a chauvinist who has a lot of disrespectful habits. You're graceless and utterly hopeless in my sight. You think you're so grand with all the worldly smarts you have... well, that's not all there is to rejoice about. Deep down you know in yourself you're really nothing. You're just a shallow selfish person with a lot of reasons to fear loneliness. You're such a difficult person. You're so bossy. You think everyone around you needs to change and is useless? Maybe you need to check the mirror, man... that might be your thing to do instead. You fake user. You think you're all that when you're nothing! You're nothing. I don't want to see you. I hate you. And I hate you more for the way you make me care so much that whenever you disappoint me it feels like every inch of me dies with the hopes that I have that someday somehow we can be friends and things will change. I feel sorry for myself that I even entertained the thought, the idea that you will be different this time around. Oh man, I hate you so much for having the ability to mess with my emotions and to leave me without a scratch on you. I hate you for not feeling accountable. I hate you for being so insensitive and so numb. I hate you for being all that you are that I don't know what's real or what's fake. I will not serve your needs or wants anymore. I'm over it. Goodness, darn it...I can't believe this. I can no longer believe you and in the goodness of the male portion of this race because of you. I'm stagnant, I think I'm stuck and miserable and confused with all this and I hate it. I don't want to think that there's anything good with all this, especially since there's you in it.

Change of heart

2011-03-14T00:08:00.000+08:00

Very recently, despite having no more room for open sentiments, I had tear-flooded sessions with the Lord (as of this time I think he's the only one who makes me cry). And silence. I wonder why sometimes God does not seem to talk back when I need him to talk sense to me. Especially now that I'm going through another transition in my life. I can't seem to figure out what to do next, but I am being taught to trust in him to lead me on...

My aunt says it's okay to have silence sometimes. I read that from Yancey too. There really is a lull in every relationship. God holds a mirror in front of you to reflect on your current status in these moments... my aunt confirmed that. But my faith dims when I hear nothing from God...guess it's the human tendency... or maybe that's a misinterpretation of how I severely long for him, dreadfully miss him in his temporary 'absence.'

Speaking of faith...sometimes my short-sightedness gets the best of me... I hope not this time, not much this time... I can only take so much...

God is showing me a very big scar in my heart. Yes, I recently seem to give people the impression that I am strong, and they tell me a lot that I am such a strong person who seems to have a good grip on herself...I dunno if that's mostly good, but I know and God knows so well that I have my weaknesses to deal with. I praise God for the strength he gives me... the grace he offers freely despite myself. And part of that process, I am seeing a scar... closely related to my male figures in the family.

I feel helpless about my relationship with them, like a part of myself is missing in me because of this deficiency in filial love. I feel frustrated not being able to bond with my brothers. I feel sad over the fact that I long to tell my older brother how I love him and how I appreciate him for taking care of me in place of my father for most of my life, but I hold back because we are not brought up to be that close. I feel broken over the situation that I wish to go home and see my father there to greet me with an occasional yummy dinner, but no, I have to make these one-a-week visits to have some dinner and talk business with him, then leave him there to go home to my mother and my brothers.

I don't understand it. I can confidently say that I hold no more anger against my father, but why this heartache... and where did that word come from..?

...

This weekend I was given the time to think about it. I rode a bike around the neighborhood of my older folks and felt the wind against me... I felt like flying and being one with nature... for a moment, I felt the simplicity of existence. For a brief moment I was given the chance to reflect on my life. I went back to the realization that indeed, nothing lasts in this world. Everything- house, family, food, career, romance... they all go down the drain at one point in time. I was reminded of the tragedy that struck Japan, and thought of how easily things can be gone in an instant. It doesn't really matter... Ecclesiastes' first lines put it perfectly, 'meaningless, meaningless!' Everything is indeed meaningless because it is temporary.

But one thing counts- my relationship with the Lord. He is the only one who matters to me. He is forever. He transcends this dying world. So I thought... the truth is just so simple, and life does not have to be so complicated. Only Jesus matters in this life. Everything else may perish, but His word stands forever. So all I got to do is just take it easy. Work, and just go on living as a normal human being should, but take it lightly and see long-range... my ultimate life goal is not of this world, but on the next. As for the matters of the heart, ah... also temporary, whatever. I don't mind much anymore if I do have a husband- I'm not alone anyway.^^

Oh Lord. I want a piece of your mind. I want to relish in your wisdom and wonderful being.... I know I will never understand your mind, but give me what you will. And thank you for your love- more than any form of knowledge, that's all I need! I love you!

The toughie is blushing

2011-03-01T22:13:00.000+08:00

I never thought that I would swoon to an offering of fries and a window seat...

Of course I had to pretend that it did not affect me in any way. Why does that person have to be so good in speaking, so sincere, so blunt and yet so nurturing?

Ah, but that's not part of the plan. Focus! Nothing of that. Haha! But I guess in terms of romance I have yet to know myself really well...

Finished team building today with other teachers. But let's see what happens next week on the side of work...

Tired and listless. I wonder why...

I'll try...

2011-02-26T21:51:00.000+08:00

Should I make you part of my world again?

I don't know, you just stepped in without warning, what can I do?

Ah, and I think you'll try to turn everything around again, right?

No, I don't know.

Don't worry, I'll try not to change your life this time. Maybe that will make us both happy.:)

Can I handle that?

You will. This time I will love you more in the silence. I will strive to be patient and always at my best. I will be faithful to God in taking care of you. Yes, I will take care that I don't spoil you again. When your buyer comes to take you home someday, I will proudly stand beside you and tell your buyer how lucky she is to have you to behold and delight in. You are, and you will always be priceless. I just hope that you will learn to love others in the best way that we are taught by the Lord.

- conversations with the canvass, 2.2011

random stuff

2011-02-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

Repairing my relations with God. I'm such a bad kid. But I am going to cling to God's grace and change daily... better and better. If I stumble, gonna dust off and just go forward still... Lord, strengthen me to keep going despite my imperfections. I know I can because I know you ARE. I love you so much and nothing, not even y intellectual foolishness, can keep us apart.

Still wondering where I'm headed for. But I am being taught to trust God and be patient... it's times like these that I easily fall to sin, having nothing to do but wait on God's perfect timing. I'm not gonna make my own disasters anymore...hopefully. Oh Lord, I shall patiently wait.

Thinking about my heart...did I overcook it in the fires of fear and resentment? I hope not. I feel that my heart may have turned into stone at some points... that I fear letting people too close now... that I merely show a portion of myself and not really a big part to most people... I wonder if I'm already doing that as a result... being too protective of myself, paranoid, too defensive... wag naman sana, as it can cease my relational growth with other people who might just need me as much for the same reason...

Drawing a lot. Artline 200 fine 0.4 dancing over oslo sketch pad does wonders.

Met with two friends today and ate breakfast over at mcdo. First time to eat egg mcmuffin...not bad... but here's what I think... listening is indeed a tougher skill to master compared to talking... I do have a high regard for people who really, really can... on a side note, super turn on ang pagiging magaling na two-way communicator sa isang lalake.

Flamingo-frost pink toenails... nice.:)

The Second Canvass (part 2)

2011-02-19T09:15:00.002+08:00

I never want to sink too low under the quicksand. Never again.

This second canvass offers a lot more than the pleasure of a second chance to start over. It requires a lot of responsibility and care on my part. Also, it begs for tender care...not that I'm being negatively rough- I have to watch myself and be more cautious in every action I take in relation to this second chance. I ought to take it slow, take care of every stroke, take care that I don't mess up again. Ah, so much pressure! But I shall learn to live with it.

But the way, I slept only at around 4 a while ago, thanks to my dog and also with the graduation speech I fashioned in about two hours.

And this just in yesternight: I am glad I didn't have to totally give up painting this portait. I am still fallen on my knees, overwhelmed by this blessing... Lord, be with me as always. I don't want to get too crazy about it and thus forget you, the source of my every happiness, the one who truly holds me and sustains me in all that I aim to do and to be.

The Second Canvass

2011-02-18T09:57:00.000+08:00

I am simply happy that I am given a second chance to start over again: A second slate to fill in more precisely and beautifully. Not everyone gets a good second chance.
God knows I laid my last canvass to waste. While taking less time filling it up with careless brush strokes, I ruined it.
It disappointed me. It pained me immensely to part with my beautiful canvass, now of less value than before it was painted on.
I had to leave it in a room, hidden under a black shroud of forgottenness.

But now... my second chance is here. I will not disappoint. I will not ruin us again. Trust in God to make it all beautiful for us again. I will bless you with my life song. You will sing majestically of Him.

What can we scrape together...
Handfuls of hate and the bittersweet ambivalence...
'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?

How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
...You could die a thousand ways
And I'd still love you back to life

...I am lost to the longing
I am moulded by the memory
Had shut down half my mind
Just to steal the space you left behind
...'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?

How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?

...I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
(~Mean Sleep, by Lenny Kravitz and Cree Summer)

Run to you

2011-02-15T18:14:00.000+08:00

I am back under the shade where I run to You when I feel tied down by life. Lord, I am not perfect, but I know more and more that I will always run back to you... The world is chaos and not for the faint-hearted, so here I am, again drawing strength from your love that easily and endlessly overwhelms me. I don't want to lose you. Thank you for being there for me and for forgiving my trespasses. I am nothing, truly nothing without you.

As you already know, today I have reached this point of deep sorrow... the journey to this feeling was gradual. I did not see it coming to my door. I have wandered a bit far away from your arms again, that's why. Maybe the disappointments brought about by various circumstances and people made me sad. I still have a tendency to be too idealistic, I must admit. And my weakness is that I cannot easily hide my emotions, and it all shows on my face before I know it. That is why most people figure it out before I say anything, if ever I care to say anything to them.

I am lost. Fill me up with joy, Lord. I am getting bored and listless again, I guess.
Last night, as I was walking home under a crescent moon, I thought of how I felt alien to this world... and I realized that maybe, just maybe, that awareness is good. It must mean I am on my way to becoming more of you.

I love you! Thanks for your time... You are indeed the love of my life.

Rechecking my perspective

2011-02-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

I feel hurt because I miss you. I wish I could turn back time and change the course of things.

I should have done the right thing, the kind thing- that is, being a little less too kind to you. I should not have given my heart to you.

I hate it. I wish I cannot remember but I do. It does not burn through me like way back, but I don't enjoy the torments of our past.

There never was an 'us' in this story, but there was me who loved you so much. I think it is a waste of time, energy and emotions.

I am close to resurfacing the ocean of sadness. I will have fully outgrown you then.

I hope you are okay. I hope that you are in God's grace. I love you, that is why I let you go.

Now it's time for me to get back to reality and go on with my life. I will put you away in my mind like a box of toys in an adolescent's room.

Disappointed. Devastated. Frustrated.

2011-02-06T13:13:00.000+08:00

I am very disappointed.

I ask you to pave me a clean way to get to church as you will. No lies, no my-will-be-done's. But it seems like with all these obstacles you allow before me, I'm not meant to do that for the meantime. Initially I told you that it's okay to shrug it off for now, and just keep the relationship okay, but I realized... nah, I'm really disappointed. The rejection is so hard to keep behind a smile.

Devastated? Yes, I pity myself for not being able to express my faith freely, go to church. My mother told me a few hours after how I'm an uneducated, stupid person with the cockroach's brain.. I think I did something wrong in the kitchen, didn't smash anything or ruined a recipe... but she just had to bust me like that at such an appropriate time. Lord, that is so timely. Haha. It's not my fault I'm not going to church on Sunday. Pave the way... well I may have to stop asking for that.

Or maybe going to church is a matter of deserving it. I don't know. I sing of how you're so merciful and you allow everyone to come to you fair and square, but where's fair in this game I'm in? I'm so confused with why I can't legally come to church without sparking a potential WWIII in my household. Whenever such disappointments come my way, I am tempted to just let you go and go my ignorant way, but you know me well... you know what my heart yearns for... I want you, and you only to rule me and just change me all the way. So why can't I have it without these pains?

Why do I feel like you're hiding your face from me?

Show yourself!

Let me know this is something real... I know you're there and you feel with me individually... you care, you love me... more than anyone I've ever known in my life. You've disciplined me the hardest, you've accepted me at my worst, you've found me at my weakest... now do you feel my pain? I just yearn to know what to do, because I am very very confused. You mean so much to me and I just need you to tell me something.

Unsure. Haha.

2011-01-17T22:07:00.002+08:00

Suddenly I'm unsure of myself.

Oh man. Why do I have to make things so complicated for myself?

Lord!!!

Attachment issues of Peach

2011-01-16T01:10:00.000+08:00

I am currently unable to strategise how to unlearn my tendency of attachment.

I think it's part of an instructor's curse, especially in my case that I'm dealing with these kids one-on-one on weekdays. It's a shame for me to manifest the signs of stress in handling parting and letting go.I feel bad in having to feel this pang of sorrow as I necessarily detach myself from my students, whom I have been bonded with at some level. Attachment for me is a form of weakness. It's a liability especially for professional growth. I should not care so much. I should not feel so much love and happiness. But why this?

I wish there was some way I could remove them. Lord, I haven't had real problems with it, but can I ask you to just take out my emotions? Just for six months, maybe... hahaha. Yes, I know I know... like evey trait you have given me, I need to master it. I need to resolve my attachment issues through this rich field of opportunity laid out before me. It's not gonna be easy, but I know past this I shall emerge a better person, hopefully a stronger one who can level up on the emotional aspect of self-control. Hay.

And enough with that infatuation thing. Better not start anything that will provoke ugly series of events. The smallest exchange of words can brew a major war.

Goodnight Kenneth. Lord, be with me.

Tear-stained notes and a pillow

2011-01-12T19:45:00.001+08:00

Two days ago I cried all night until I fell asleep.

Now this is the case. There are only two instances I was hurt so bad that the pain made me ask God to just take my life and get on with it: One was when I was compelled to say goodbye to...*** and the other was this. I felt so ashamed with what I have done that it hurt so much to admit it. But I bravely came forth and took responsibility for my fault. I'm not denying anything. I just believe that a mature person ought to take the consequences like a man... or in this case, like a true Christian. My biggest burden is that I felt that I have so disgraced the Lord with my actions when I'm supposed to be glorifying him. Second is that it doesn't feel good to look weak and bad in front of your own family, especially my ma whom I love so much.

There. Not discussing the issue. But I guess this makes me want to be more aware of pleasing God...and to watch my actions carefully. Also, one more thing- I need to make sure I'm pleasing God first and not other people, not even my mother. You can't please people, and with such motive we're bound to be miserable. Feel ko kasi I'm returning to that... like I want to have the assurance from her that she will love me still even if I fail sometimes... I'm just human. Not that it's a reason, but everyone falls sometimes, right? But what matters is the direction we are in... in a marathon, as long as you're running in the right direction, you're bound to get to the finish line no matter how often you have to stumble. I hope to make it a point to always set my eyes on the pleasing and perfect will of God that I may please him always with my life.

And as a by-product, I hope to make my family happy and proud of me.

Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Aw. Soli deo gloria. Love you Lord...you're all I need.

Si Pilantod

2010-12-03T00:49:00.000+08:00

Call it a serious case of inner child indulgence, but I was rather fascinated with this kid story book written by Yolanda Guevarra-Dolor. Si Pilantod: Ang Asong Tatlo ang Tuhod is about a brave mutt who yearns to prove himself useful despite knowing what the world has to say about him.

I don't really know what the big deal is with this tale... must be the cute graphics which I appreciated, or maybe the way I associated him with our dog, Lebron (ooohh the dreaded thought of 'what if Lebron had only three knees instead of four, poor baby...'). Maybe it's the endearing camaraderie of personified mammals and fowls...or the rivalry within (you'll have to read to find out more^^). While my aunt and mom insist that it's nothing special, I was drawn to the story like a child develops a fixation to a colorful candy store.

Hehehe...Anni's being a kid...

But don't be fooled by the cutesy animations- the main theme of the story is animal cruelty. And adding to the appealing points for me is its unpredictability.

The biggest impact came to me in the climax- the main hero saving the spiteful antagonist (oops spoiler, nyehehehe)- the canine saving the human who had tried to kill him and was then after his life.

Hahaha. I love it!

HBK-mania

2010-12-03T00:48:00.000+08:00

The mania is definitely not over for me. I've been having the fever since last month.

I hope to see him and have my book signed...I want to tell him how much he has inspired me and how much I admire him. He's really handsome. Not all perfect, but he's right about him saying that he has been constant in his craft. I daresay he's achieved the same in his life, having accepted Christ and doing his best to be a good family man.

I hope to see you. Hahaha. Glad to see you're having a good life now. :)

Self-discovery is such an unpleasant journey

2010-12-03T00:46:00.000+08:00

Just this week I realized that during these mellow months, I had the chance to look at my psychological mirror and get more acquainted with myself. It is not the most pleasant phase.

But I need the experience. I guess seeing more of me gives me quite an advantage. I am well aware that my worst enemy starts with S- the self. Know thyself, know thy enemy...that's how it goes...

So, what have I discovered so far? Two things:

1. I have a detachment tendency. Whenever I find something unfavorable, what I often tend to do is to retreat to myself in order to contemplate on it.

I am quite fond of contemplating...I spend a lot of time thinking, so much more than most people that even one of my mentors warned me that maybe overthinking could lead me to paralysis. And there is much truth to that. I find it hard to take my next action whenever I'm tempted to run away into my own thinking. Perhaps I ought to reconsider the amount of time I spend in brewing strategies in my head.

Next!

2. After reflecting on my career status, I finally realized today that the only activity/career that can be oh-so pleasurable for me is writing. Or at least it's at the top of the list. I want to be a writer. Maybe this accounts for a part of my frustration and... misery..? Naw, maybe just discontent.

Ever since I picked up my first P8.50 notebook in the mall when I was eight, I knew in my heart that this is what I would be happy doing. But then again, it's not practical. With the family issues going, I can't go thinking about myself first. (This is weird, my eyes are starting to well up as I type this)

And so under the influence of my mother, I started to smother that desire when I went to college... I think I did put out the fire for good. And now I feel like I'm really going nowhere...

Careerwise, am I really satisfied? Sure, nursing's been great...it's given me a lot of unforgettable experiences. Diving into business is also a smart move, but is it really my niche? My aunt said before that each one of us has a niche in this world. Of course our priority will always be God's pleasure, but it matters to know (and be in) the area where we function best. Maybe that's the reason why I've kept looking for other options, hoping to escape my current situation and go to where I naturally shine...or function, at least...

I feel useless.

Although it's today that I had this realization, I think that this all started one day when a good friend of mine who happens to be a good writer sent to me a link to her published works in a famous magazine...again. It's wrong to feel this way, but I have to admit, I am so so envious that I didn't even bother to read the article. I should be happy for her success, but why this heartache?

...

And now this. Well, self- you got me this time and I'm staring right back at you. Congratulations.

...

The Hotstepper Needs 2 Step Aside

2010-06-14T13:23:00.000+08:00

Entry ryt off my cp-

I fl lyk haf f my heart s being ripped ryt out f my chest. Parang bubble gum na nstuck sa buhok, then you try 2 manually get it off..pero madikit e, and it hurts as you pull harder.

Hmm. This is d secnd instance dt iv flt ds kind f pain. As i rflect on ths situatn im in, i begin to see that perhapz ds is how mothrs typicly fl wn their sons devt a rlatnshp wd anothr 'sgnifcant othr'- that is, their partners in lyf. Or myb wd fathers 2 their daughters. Yung flng na npapalitan ka na. Parang black n wht picture sa picture frame. Parng pudpod na tsinelas na sobrng nipis na sa gamit. Parang ung bansot na mongol 2 pencil na ndi na maitasa nang maigi. Malungkot...ito ang mga sitwasyong hnihngi na ng panahon ang pgbbago. Kaht ayaw mo pa, batid mong sadyang kumakatok na ang pangangailangang makibagay at hndi mo na maiwasan, tulad marahl ng bumbay na naniningil na sa utang...o ang ngbabadyang sarap ng pagbahing. O ang nararapat na pagtabi- that is, to step aside, in order to allow a son's/daughter's/friend's significant other 2 pave his or her way 2 his or her side, and with much hope, his or her heart as wel. Yun kasi ang dapat. Parang sa punong manga- a vry important factor for growth is to ensure ample space.

I knw that. Bt i can't help but fl this way. I am sensng dt i am at a stage of trying 2 accept the reality of life's changes. I do realize dt i am easily affectd by parting in various forms...i gues ths is just one f such 'goodbyes' that i hav 2 go thru, on account f d unspokn agreemnt dt there is the risk f farewell-anytime in each rlationship dt i open my door 2. Aftr ol, in social rlatns, like in evrythng els in ds wrld, change is inevitable. We ought 2 live whle cnsciously being aware dt ol is dynamic.

So thus my sadness...bt i knw il b (and i hv 2 b!) able 2 accept d changes soon enuf, mainly for the rlational benefit of othr people. As an aftrthought, buti na rin yun- this just opens my eyes all the mre 2 d fact that nthng lasts forevr, evn rlationshps wch im afraid we smtimes hold 2 dearly. Cme 2 thnk f it, God is our sole Lover who can last as long as the rlationshp He shares with His children. I am being rmindd by my situatn dt as long as i hv ds dvine rlatnshp 2 hold on 2...i nid nt fl lonely or any less of myself. I hav evrythng in the Lord whatever comes (or goes) my way in this life.

An argument for abortion (just a nocturnal buzz in my head, thank God...)

2010-05-30T01:53:00.002+08:00

While pondering on the greatness and majesty of God a while ago, I was led to think of how He can do just about anything in a divine snap of a finger...even easily decide to cease my existence in this world at His will...

But He doesn't.

Why?

Because He loves us. (I know it sounds cliche, but He DOES.)

And as the part-time logician, I probe...

If He loves us that much, then why not just un-create us all and just get on with His Lord-of-the-universe program? After all, He knows how the stench of evil has screwed us pretty badly and enabled us to come to crooked conclusions and bad decisions. He knows, more than anyone else, that humanity is mostly overrated, and whether we acknowledge it or not, fact is, sucking at life is second nature to us, even as we claim to be "civilized," "refined"...remove the earthly decors and we're all similarly reduced to nothing but filth (or I can mean dust). If He truly loves us, why not spare us of the seemingly boundless queries and sufferings of this speck-of-eternity living and just...you know, make everything perfect again and move on to the good part of the book- the happy ending..?

I'm sure the likes of Lewis and Yancey would have enough answers to weave a book or thesis for this (which they have already done). Even I would be cheering them on. But I'm not exactly here to arrive at a definitive answer on the mysteries of life (God knows I...yeah, exactly- God knows!). Rather, I want to think of this as a clue that leads me to a sensible argument as to why I would never allow abortion to be performed on a baby that is sure to be born to this world with physical defects or illnesses- congenital anomalies as confirmed by clinical tests. Technology has enabled us to diagnose such conditions pre nata, and as this opens windows to novel ethical decisions to ponder on, I think it is imperative for us to seriously consider bringing up Godly arguments founded on wisdom. Not that I'm aiming for "think ethics, save the world!" strategy- but it's an important step if you consider how many people would gradually have access to such state-of-the-art tests and would need to contemplate on such matters involving an unborn child.

So here's what I came up with based on mooning on God's greatness just a while back tonight:

Kung si God nga hindi tayo magawang ubusin kahit kaya Niya, tapos tayo... What I'm saying is that, if God has a reason to keep such feeble beings like us alive (and I'm sure it's a VERY good one, as we know how stupid, how sinful and spiteful humans can be)... what more in allowing such babies (who are just probably one limb plus or short) to taste a breath of fresh air and live?

I know some well-meaning parents usually take into consideration that they wish to "spare the baby of a life riddled with physical pain and self-pity" that they'd pull a conclusion out of the black top hat such as: Hey honey, let's just not put a sentence through- let's put a dot to the lifeline- period! Why? It's more simple not to think about it and just get on with it, sort of like how they do it in a, say... a doll factory's quality control area- if it does not match the production standard of "normalcy," throw it in the rejects and try again! (In this process of segregation, we ought to consider how the value of life is being horribly reduced to the level of...well, dolls.)

I am aware that I am stepping on several toes here...but I plead everyone to open their eyes a bit more to see beyond what is, in human standards, acceptable. I believe that humans, imperfect and foolish as they are, are not to entitled to dictate who sees the sunlight or not... if baby hits a boo-boo in the genetic lottery, well... let him win it- and live! If God lets him pass, let him. After all, the chief end of man, although most would believe otherwise, is to glorify God in his existence. And we don't need to pass a complete physcial exam to do that. We don't need to complete a treadmill run or make it through a 5k race to glorify God- that's just a small fraction of the many, many, MANY possible ways we can do so. And for those who would not think so- Who is like the Lord? Who owns His thoughts and ways? Who knows what is good and what can glorify Him?

Let THE Creator decide on the matters of mortality (I meant the double entendre). Take that, abortionists.

Good night!

Lord, I don't want to drown...

2010-05-22T09:13:00.000+08:00

After a long time, I am given a chance to quietly examine my life again. I know I used to do this frequently before, but after life became a blur in the fast lane, I just grew accustomed to what was there in the present and forgot to stop and stare at what I have at the moment.

Presently I am still hurting. Still wounded after 7 months. I want to believe that a lot has changed from the time I ran off to my eCost escapade (yes, I took a random night job to get away from the memories). Yes, there are a lot of tremendous positive changes. But even then, I am still unable to escape the consequences of my own actions. I can more readily talk of it now, which is a good sign, but I can’t help but wonder why I am still hurting and how I wish I can just take everything back.

But I can’t.

And what of God? Can I still discuss this with Him? I have gone through the notions with him, over and over in circles…and I agree very much with the reality that this is the result of my wrong choices, which is why I don’t want to lash out at Him and blame Him…I know He gave me enough ways not to succumb to such desperate moves, but I did and I know it full well. And I am supposed to be wholly prepared to take the punishment for everything...which is why I don’t want to tell Him of the pain. Maybe that is why I don’t want to talk about it anymore…maybe that is why I am okay with numbing myself from this, hoping like an unknowing child that it will just go away. In the first place, my first move was to run away when I could no longer handle it. But I did pray of it…I prayed for strength…I prayed for wisdom, which is why I understand it more and could handle it better than before.

Apart from God, I am nothing. I know that…and somehow I now realize that I might have turned into an empty shell without me realizing it…until now?

I don't know. Not yet...but I will understand... Lord, ...

Sleeping.

2010-05-09T17:39:00.000+08:00

Shhh. Somnolent detachment mode. It's been 18 hours since my last sleep (which only lasted for about 4 hours). I'm drained...

After a movie moment and a feeding frenzy composed of bulalo, coke, choco donut with colored sprinkles, chicken curry, cheese popcorn, potato chips, minute maid orange, mc double cheeseburger, coke, water, joey pepperoni pizza...*burp* I am sleeping. (Hold the main event, folks (pork adobo with egg)- I just need to rest.)

Hahahahahahaha.

Lov y'all. Happy mother's day. :)

Rantfest

2010-05-09T17:32:00.000+08:00

I feel like I am doing something wrong with this love of mine with God. I am not so sure. Darkness is closing in. It seems like I am not being more of Him each day. Or maybe it's a personal disappointment on expectations never met. I want to love God and be more Christlike each passing day, but I feel like I'm not doing enough to achieve that, and as a result, I feel that I am being pushed in a downward spiral- and I seem to be powrerless to stop it. I am starting to question myself again...my faith...is it really worth my time? Should I go be the Christian rebel, blasting against the current, or just break the pressure and go with the ocean? Being critical about my spiritual life...that was how I was. I prefer to think that it's another side of mine, another person that I choose to put on death row each day. But why this now... I don't want to go back...if that means choosing to become a fool for Christ, then I'd rather have that please... the 'foolishness' of God is way way better than the smarts of man anyway, as far as I know.

But what is happening to me? In my inner room of solitude, I am compelled to think of going back to the edge and living my savvy life, going solo... contemplating on life's queries as I please... but I go back to the truth that I know for sure:

Do I have the answers? Who is truly in control?

God help me. You know the drift, Love... if I'm on to something harmful or wrong, You stop me. Please. Why do I feel like this love is dying on me? But You know that I love You...feebly as compared to how You love me, but I try... If it's not enough, MAKE IT SO IT'S ENOUGH!

...

As for other things-

Quitting on mid-May- Definitely out for it. Lord, going for your game plan...
Hospital job. No idea, but going for it with faith.

How He Loves ... (this is currently the main song of my life...)

2010-04-17T07:32:00.000+08:00

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

10 random things

2010-04-03T19:12:00.000+08:00

1. I'm just asking God to saturate my sulcus and gyrus...so that I may be more like him each day. I can tell from ym journal scribbles that it's my #1 current desire...I just want Him to tell me what to do and how to go about my career and my dealings with my family...that I may find my strength and wisdom in Him...I wonder if I can go the distance this year..? Have I really made a change that will glorify Him? Do I think and make decisions based on His understanding? Have I grown to trust him more than last year? I don't know for sure..but I do know I want to be more of what He wants me to be.

2. I found a strange but warm realization as I came home from work one day this week. I felt unusually charged up and cheerful as my family screamed and beat each other in games of Nintendo Wii. Ang ingay. It's a refreshing hype apart from out previously busy months when we'd be away from each other most of the time due to varying scheds... The time we had together...which for a while felt so alien to me as it's been a long time since I've felt it... it just poured in an immense measure of blessed happiness deep within my soul...somewhere down in my heart I know I've been wanting this...and I have it here for a limited time... Sa sobrang tagal na atang hindi kami nagkakasama nang ganito sa bahay, parang kakaiba na hindi ko agad naipaliwanag. It's positively different when everyone's in the house- my ma, my aunt, my 3 brothers...this is my family. This is my sense of 'home.' Grabe, what a blessing... And after a long time, it seems, I've never felt this eager to come home...to cook...to clean the house...(is that really me talking..?)^^ But then on the side, I wish I wasn't working during the holidays...I wish I had more time to rest and spend with them...I'd beat them at golf and bowling, I will! *frustrated* but I have to go to work...tsktsk...

3. Skip Beat's taking over my days like a storm in sunshine! I love skip beat! I could not stop reading it! It's about daring to dream of something more, especially when everyone else says you can't and you won't. It's being the unexpected when confronted with the unexpected. It's pushing against the waves of dull common sense when you know you just got to give it a shot before deciding to accept going with the waves and moving on...hoping somehow to create ripples which will start a tidal force that will sweep out successfully against the pacific current. In simple words, it's about this sheltered girl who suddenly realizes that someone she loves betrayed and played with her- and to exact vengeance, she pursues showbiz to beat him at his own game (he's a singer). At first it's just a battle of pride...but later she realizes her love for the craft and finds her own voice in the midst of her wonderful new world...

4. "I'm worried about your health," my brother told me just yesterday as I walked around the house to clean and cook. It meant a lot for him to say that, as I am strangely motivated to pay attention to my physical wellness. All the more reason to quit my job asap, as it's undeniably taking a toll on my health- and I know it.

5. Lately I felt betrayed by two of my friends who chose to feel 'bad' when they heard a rumor about me. Someone spread the talk that I was going to just disappear from the workplace- which is obviously not true. Had I not randomly told them about feeling unhappy about someone spreading false gossip about me, they would not have come clean with this issue and told me how they felt. ("You know that's why we were slightly irritated by you recently..!") Ouch. Honestly, you guys...I expected you to have had more faith in me...fact is, I would have felt proud of you had you confronted me with the issue at once. That would have been much better. But no...you just reacted right after hearing it through the grapevine...just like everybody else. And that hurt. I know I have to tell you about this...just to make you realize and thus grow from it. But I don't know if it's even necessary and I can't even earn the guts to tell you as of this time...maybe because I'd cry...Well, it's a risk taken for expecting more than zero from you guys...partly my fault too.

6. I didn't want to admit it before, but I now have to acknowledge that I am currently developing a chilidish affection towards Mr. J, who's always stood for me despite my peculiarities which most people would typically brush off as weird. He treats me as importantly as his friends, despite our obvious differences. Well he's a guy so he's rowdy most of the time (and I think that's rather weird for someone about seven to eight years my senior), but I don't mind...he takes the effort to understand and listen to my opinions. And he doesn't mind sharing a few laughs...lots of real tactics in business...and food. He's so cool! And he respects my fashion...my principles...my tastes...my limits. I can't help but just draw closer to him. I just want to communicate with him through the day, whether it's about serious business or just some crazy idea. Yeah, of course he's got that other side of himself...the dark side which he never denies. And the fact that he admits to having that, I like him a lot more.^^ He's not as pretentious, insensitive and narrow-minded as most guys I've met... maybe it's his age... *shrugs* But I guess everybody else never figured how I really gush with awwws when I sweetly tell him that I hate him. The glance and the smile that I throw him gives it away...I hope not too much as to be misinterpreted.

7. I composed this as a response to my own state of getting too caught up in my own world: "There IS a bigger world out there. It's just up to us to decide whether to pass upon it in quietude...or to crash into it with flair!"

8. Currently I need lots of sleep and I want to drink black gulaman in Siomai House. Grrrr why does it have to be closed this weekend...T.T

9. I had the chance to engange in a heart-to-heart talk with my closest cousin, Shane, who's currently finding herself in the dark...I can sense how her heart's twisted in pain and confusion right now. I am figuring it's because of a hurtful incident from last year that she didn't somehow find closure or resolution for. I tried my psych skills to bring it out in the open because I felt she should stop denying it- it's poisoning her system and destroying her sanity. I advised her on how to cope well by gradual desensitization. I think she should dare to confront the memories...and ultimately the incident. I also told her the need to forgive herself...as I felt that unconsciously she's stabbing herself repeatedly for partly taking a wrong turn (it happens, dear...). Most importantly, I stole the opportunity to pray for her...only God can heal. *hug* I love that girl...I hope she knows.

10. Zion's grad was wow. It sure got me inspired as well to get a move on in my nursing career...I suddenly had that nagging feeling that God intended for me to reminisce and witness the event, if only to remind and motivate me to go for what I'm desinted to be. Nevertheless, I unusually felt happy and proud for him for having made it that far. I felt honored to have been invited...though at first hesitant because I didn't want to come off as some proud... Anyway, I think he deserves it. Aside from that, I found the company of his family rather warm...though brief. Ang cool nila, hehehe. And I confirmed one funny thing about this friend of mine...yeahehehehe... *mysterious silence* Too bad I had to slip away too soon and snooze for my night shift. I wonder when I'll be able to see Zi again...he was arranging a camp for this weekened...I'm sure it's going fine at the time. God bless him.^^

Gusto ko... (whims of a kid)

2010-04-03T18:02:00.000+08:00

(continuation of my groggy pen trip...took me a while to decipher some words kasi ang likot ng sulat ko, hahaha)

Gusto ko Lord Ikaw lang. Puwede ba yon? Para hindi na ko nalulungkot tsaka nag-iisip pa ng kung ano. Para umiwas na rin sa mga kalokohan. I love You so much, sometimes it hurts because I feel I don't know how...but bear with me as I do want to learn how to love You truly, more and more each day...to my last breath...I want to glorify Your Name in the possible ways I can do and can be. Teach me how to love You fervently. Lead me...my only love. If I stray, lead me back even if it means carrying me home.

...

After writing this down, I'm confused as to what I really thought of...it's perplexing...

Only You

2010-04-03T17:44:00.000+08:00

(totally random...i wrote this in groggy state just before I fell (literally) asleep)

...somehow I feel that when I let myself drift off with my pen right before falling away to dreamland, my innermost desires expose themselves and spread willfully over my journal as easily and as clearly as a reflection of my face is revealed on the surface of a body of water when i turn to face it...

and i do believe this IS my desire...

I want You to be my only thought
My only pleasure to the depths of my soul
I want to be lost in the home of Your embrace
Jump into Your arms, not holding back
I want to fall all over Your clear blue sky of promises
I want You to be my only love

Only You, only You
I believe in the perfection of You
As You lead me to understand
The beauty of You and me
I can't ask for more
Only You

I want you to be my solid reason
My sole conviction to the corners of my mind
I want to revere you, trusting Your justice
My wings of hope in the unfair life
I want to fly on, be great because You are
I want You to be my only love

Only You, only You

I believe in the perfection of You
As You lead me to understand
The beauty of You and me
I can't ask for more
Only You

Mold me into Your likeness
As I can't figure me out
Shape me and set me as You gladly will
As only You can
Only You, only You

Always

2010-03-12T16:47:00.000+08:00

(feel ko bitin ito... anyway, random posting on an uneventful afternoon...haven't slept for today yet...but I can't help but just write this down! Overwhelming God! Inspiring God!)

Never thought there ever was real chance of change in me

Never minded being lost in laws 'til you said 'follow Me'

Never thought You'd make Your Son my penalty for my sin

Never knew a compassion so pure until you came right in

Your holy awesome voice of love broke down my wall of fear

Exposed me to see Your lasting light, beckoned me to come near

Close enough to have You hold me in Your arms of grace

Close enough to restore my broken heart that lost its place

My soul at peace, my faith upon the Righteous One You sent

How can I explain the joy of this mysterious moment?

Reason falls short, silent this time, before your majesty

My lips sing praises as my chains are broken, for You have set me free

How often shall my singing go? How often shall I pray?

Always, always, always, Lord! Forever and a day!

How often shall I rejoice and seek to know your perfect way?

Always, always, always, Lord! Forever, everyday!

Just one thing

2010-03-10T09:32:00.000+08:00

Emo-ness is a tendency; happiness is a choice.

But why am I not convincing myself to feel and be happy? Yeah, I'm not too thrilled today...

But what's new? Life's always a battleground, right? It's a day-to-day trial and error process...either you duck, you hit the target, you conquer...or you get forced on your knees...or get shot down from the skies.

Hmmm...I think I currently got shot down...spirits low...losing it halfway...

But then in the midst of the chaos that I'm in...I know I just have to rise...the Lord, my Lord comes to mind and I think about all the wonderful promises He has for me...how His attributes are beyond measure and surpass our understanding...how he's closer to me than anyone else can ever be, especially at my lowest moments.

And that somehow brings on a faint glow of comfort in the midst of this cold lonely night.

Laugh trips and quotable quotes

2010-02-09T21:45:00.000+08:00

Just last Saturday, Jrep, Bech, Bequa, Pau, Andrew, Tela and I had a chance to celebrate Bech and Bequa's graduation by going out together to eat dinner at The Spiral at Sofitel, courtesy of Auntie (Bech's mami). On the way, Jrep Tela and I were tasked to grab a bottle of Bailey's for the festivities of the grad girls (at Pau's prompting, sa 7-11 daw meron kaya naghanap naman kami).

7:30-8:00pm
Jrep (driving): Ui, san ba may malapit na 7-11 dito?
Tela: (instructions): Jan kaliwa ka meron jan...

*after 2 7-11's and still no Bailey's...
Me: Tara, let's go...late na tayo...nakakahiya sa mama ni Bech.
Tela: Mukhang wala na tayong madadaanan na 7-11. Sa Blue Wave kaya?
Me: Sige try natin dun...
Jrep: Kung wala talaga, dun na tayo sa MOA (Mall of Asia) bumili.
Tela: May 7-11 ba dun?
...
*silence...then laughter*
Me: Hindeee, sa supermarket!

Wahahahaha.

You go Tela!!!^^ Hahahahaha!

....

Which now reminds me of a time when I and my RLE mates back in my UST days were talking at Rosarito St. (perpendicular to Dapitan) with servings of tusok-tusok and bottles of carbon, sucrose and water...

*musing about going away on a trip to Laguna...*
Me: Eh pano yung budget? Magkano ba kailangan?
Chloe: Yung place libre na yun, papaalam ko lang...
Kat: *joke mode* tsaka yung pagkain e di magluto na lang tayo, yung tulad nung surprise bday party ni Alex, yung puro Best Buy...
*laughter*
(baka ang ibig mong sabihin SM Bonus...anong kakainin natin, intermediate pad?!)

Wahahaha.

I miss my RLE mates...

Pinalalayas na ako (again). Hehehehe.

2010-02-07T20:22:00.001+08:00

Yesternight I cried myself to sleep in a dark room. (For those who know me, I don't even have to tell you how uncomf I feel sleeping with lights out.) I guess even sleep or the dark can't hide you from the reality of conflict. And heartache.

Nevertheless, life is getting better for me, I should say. Much of my common life rantings are scribbled away in my journal and God knows how much I can rant. But the more important thing for me is to know always above every oppression and every hurtful word uttered against me that God is my security- and nothing else!

Oo, masakit na awayin ka dahil nagbabasa ka ng bibliya (kailangan ko nga magbasa kasi likas na salbahe ako), dahil hindi mo magawang ibahin ang istilo ng buhay mo na maiayon sa alam mong mali, na isisi sa iyo ang kaibahan mo sa lahat (hindi daw nakakasimba yung mga tao dahil sa akin)...na mapagalitan at mapaiyak ka kasi pilit kang pinipigilang magkaganoon (nagbabasa ng bibliya na alam mo namang pareho lang sa binabasa nila (yung kanila nga yung may dagdag), pero kahit na daw, mali pa rin daw yon)...na halos isumpa ka dahil sa isang natatanging desisyon na hindi nila mabago (Sabi niya, "pinalaki kitang katoliko, tapos ganyan ka na ngayon!" -wala naman akong sinabi kundi Kristiyano ako).

...

Ewan.

Alam mo nay, mahal kita pero tulad ng sabi ko, iyan ang isang bagay na hindi ko isususko. Sabihin mo nang lagi kitang kinokontra sa lahat (hindi ko talaga alam saan naggaling yan)... hala, sige tatahimik na lang ako. Pero sana naman pagdating sa bagay na iyan matutunan mo naman akong igalang. Tsaka ano ba...you get so angry with me reading the bible...why not read it and tell me, just tell me- what's so wrong with it? Pinapalayas mo ko dahil nagbabasa ako ng bibliya? Oh, come on...

Hay shhh...Maglalaba pa ko.

Like I told you, life is more beautiful...because despite the tears, I know being a Christian is worth it. And thanks to my ma for making me realize that.

My 501st entry

2010-02-07T19:41:00.000+08:00

Yey...it's been a good blogging year again...

For my 501st entry I am pouring my heart out here with a piece from my journal which I feel is my best so far in a long time...

xxx-Unsaid-xxx

02.09.10

In the dark and the quiet of my soul

Etched therein a cold black hole.

Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,

Within this solitude I choose to hide:

The songs unsung, the words unsaid,

The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Like,

I wish I could see you once again

And perhaps a smile can let it begin:

The love and joy we had before

While repainting our canvas of dreams in store.

We’d stroll all day like there’s no tomorrow,

Give in to any dare like there’s no saying no,

Play dancing from mild mode to wild to extreme,

Then sit for iced frappes with extra whipped cream.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul

Etched therein a cold black hole.

Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,

Within this solitude I choose to hide:

The songs unsung, the words unsaid,

The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Like,

I wish again you could stroke my hair

And make me feel loved in the depth of your stare,

Give a message of cheer, or hold my hand

Or best make a lousy poem of your brand.

Or no, don’t give me any of such romantic warmth,

Just love me beyond words and hold my heart,

And the promises you made of a friendship for life,

And the truth that I love you for all of my life.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul

Etched therein a cold black hole.

Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,

Within this solitude I choose to hide:

The songs unsung, the words unsaid,

The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Like,

I wish I had heard me singing today

And felt the entire message I had to convey.

I wish I knew then how it was to disobey,

Then I might have refused to let my convictions sway,

Prevented wrong emotions to come into play,

And saw you as you are- my source of dismay,

Then I won’t be slow dancing as the damsel in despair,

Nursing a heart that’s almost beyond repair.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul

Etched therein a cold black hole.

Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,

Within this solitude I choose to hide:

The songs unsung, the words unsaid,

The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Like,

I wish I could turn around and ask you why

Why lure the tears to come with a beautiful lie?

And one random day, just leave me behind

With this lie which caused me to lose my mind?

To this day this nightmare is what I know.

If this isn’t real, come back, says so!

Come back and undo this unbelief,

Free me from these chains of my deepest grief!
You know I’d still have you if you’d come back around,

If you’d turn around and hold your ground.

If not, don’t come back and paint everything red,

For I’d rather have the truth- and these words unsaid.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul

Etched therein a cold black hole.

Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,

Within this solitude I choose to hide:

The songs unsung, the words unsaid,

The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Yes,

I’d rather bleed and write and bleed

Than to run back to the lie that you’re all that I need.

I’d rather hurt now than feel deceptively free,

As I know who’s at fault- it’s you and me:

You for knowing less than the best,

Me for meaning to flunk this test.

You for knowing my lover’s touch,

Me for meaning to love you too much.

In the dark and the quiet of my soul

Etched therein a cold black hole.

Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,

Within this solitude I choose to hide:

The songs unsung, the words unsaid,

The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

And,

I wish I could make this wrong go right,

But how can I when you’re out of sight?

I wish you would have me back again,

But…love’s not caring every now and then.

Perhaps run after me once you’ve grown up..?

But if we’ve grown up, then…I might say, ‘Stop.’

In the dark and the quiet of my soul

Etched therein a cold black hole.

Apart from the laughter and the sun outside,

Within this solitude I choose to hide:

The songs unsung, the words unsaid,

The scars I wrote of ‘til I slowly bled.

Sometimes I yearn as a desert longs for rain,

To ask how you are…and forget the pain.

See, I love you still…but, ah…forget the game-

You’d still love me…and leave me…just the same.

Now don’t come back and paint everything red,

I’d rather have the truth- and these words unsaid.

Bright Lights Ahead

2010-02-06T12:31:00.000+08:00

Just a while ago, I was immersed in my own thought of the past. I thought of my mistakes, my failures...and supposed...

What if I didn't make those mistakes?
What if I did it all right?
or...
What if I could go back and undo the ropes?
...

I know in my experience that I ought to put a stop to this useless exercise and continue on to the future, putting aside the things I can't change. And so I'm diverting this by writing and saying it out to dii. So far, here's the insight I have:

I took a look at my pending readables (courtesy of Ptr. Sur)...and to my astonishment, it contained a persisting message which I've been getting for the past few days:

(Jer. 29: 11-14)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you."
...

I guess I am afraid of the future. But as Zion and I talked of... God is our security.

Here are a few more notes on this-
1. face the consequences of our little mistakes- accept!
2. develop the discernment to stay within the path of righteousness
3. learn full dependence on God
4. live on! yaaaahhh!

*Be careful not to write your own scripts- do not assume that what you have in mind is exactly what God wants.

And now, I shall sleep.^^

Seven unusual things that make me cry

2010-01-19T01:39:00.000+08:00

A magnificent sunset
Boredom
Basketball drama, especially MJ's greatest moments
Clear view of a seashore
Outreach footage involving the old and young
Heavy drama movie clips involving a parent and a kid
Trying to understand God's mind (which is mostly impossible, hehehe)

Eyes round as saucers-

2010-01-13T00:20:00.000+08:00

Congratulations Lorenz! You're first in line!^^

I just received news a few moments ago that my dear friend from college is getting married soon. I felt shocked and excited, nevertheless... God bless you! Lots of thoughts coming in now. Can't wait to meet him so he can tell me everything!

Aaaaa.

OK, enough fun vents. Back to work.^^

So You Can Cry

2010-01-07T19:10:00.001+08:00

So it's over
He's with someone else and you know her
And you just can't get any lower
You sit in the dark alone, and won't answer your phone
Well, I'm sorry
I won't attend your pity party
I'd rather go have calamari, and maybe a drink
And yes I think, you should come with me
Life is long
There will be pain but life goes on
with everyday a brand new song
But if you'd rather stay at home
let me do you a favor

I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry (If that's what you want alright)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today so you can cry
Ooooo (If that's what you want alright)
Mmmmm if that's what you want alright

I'm a lover
in the pain of a heart from another
Can be difficult to recover, yes this I know
but difficult, isn't impossible
And you shiver (shiver ha)
He was your warmth, you cry lips quiver (quiver ha)
Well honey go on and cry me a river
You wanna be down (wanna be down)
Well fine let me help you out
How 'bout

I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry
(If that's what you want alright)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain (rain rain rain rain rain rain) for you today so you can cry
(If that's what you want alright)
If that's what if that's what you want alright.
Then if that's what you want alright

And your tears won't bring him back
I know you wish that it did
but it just don't work like that
I know that healing takes time, hey!
Even your heart has a pace
But how much time are you gonna take?
Too much would be a mistake

I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry
(If that's what you want alright)
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain (bring the rain, bring the rain!) for you today so you can cry
(If that's what you want alright)
If that's what if that's what you want alright
Then if that's what you want alright

I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry
If that's what you want

When the tears fall...

2010-01-06T22:12:00.003+08:00

Despairing because I've fallen at some point again... defying you is not what I want... I want to show you how I love you Lord... humble me and make me strong... lift me up from this condemnation... I am sorry.

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
And I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

Oh yes, You are good to me
You've always been good to me
So trustworthy

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, and I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
(I will sing to You) I will praise You
Jesus praise You through the suffering
Still I will sing

How faithful and true
Sustain me through and through
You are hope and truth
You're my spring of living water
You're my spring of living water

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Like a well watered garden
Who springs never fail
Faithful and truth

Like a well watered garden
Like a spring that never fails
You're my spring and never fails

Following God's Will

2010-01-05T22:22:00.000+08:00

I used to have the notion that once you go do things in accordance to God's will, the peace of Christ will reign in you.

But currently, I've been having the same recurring problem as reflected in my recent journal entries... like I don't really have that peace permanently. Like it's not really okay. Like I'm sitting on my problems instead of getting rid of them.

Sometimes I think that maybe I didn't do it right.

When God told me to leave someone for good some months ago, I was 101% sure that it was the only guarantee I had to make peace with God, whom I strive to honor among anything else.

But I held off, didn't want to obey him despite knowing that it's the right thing to do... and so it took dragging months of more intense suffering for me to realize and learn the importance of trusting God in my plans... and eventually, letting go.

My defiance had me hanging in the balance of sanity and madness. I fell down low like never before. It didn't take a lot of thinking for me to figure that had I been keen on obeying quickly, I would not have suffered this much. I took the big blow of loss, anticipating and knowing that I have to man up to the consequences of my own doing. The Lord has been kind enough to forgive me and help me up with His strength...and in His guiding love I am learning obedience through His tough-love discipline.

But then as I continued to suffer longer than I had anticipated, I began to question what I have done and even my view of things. I thought that if I did what God wanted, there would be absolute peace. Did I get that? Yes, I did. But what's this emotional turmoil I've been experiencing...the highs and lows... like I told my aunt a while ago, it's like beng happy in reality but when you sleep, it's there, haunting you again... The unhushed madness within me had be questioning if I had really done the right thing, if I should have really left that someone for good as a result of my obedience... my wobbly trust in the Lord.

And so I asked my aunt about it... she was supportive of me. She said that if I didn't obey God... then I might have had proceeded to do things my way to make things better... and note it's my way, not God's way... so I still won't have peace and true happiness, especially knowing inside that God and I are not okay. She warned me that the devil can pull me down and play with my emotions so I'd doubt God's way in things. Which is why it's very crucial to always be on guard, focus on God and read His Word daily... no wonder Im starting to feel NOT okay and entertain doubts in my head... hmmm...

"And let God be true and every man a liar."

Now that I see it, I think I'd very much rather be in my current situation wherein I'm at peace with God than in my sorry state a few months ago wherein I'm in my fool's comfort zone and knowing that I'm deliberately disobeying God. Mabuti na yung namumublemang kakampi mo ang Diyos kesa dun sa kalaban mo siya...nako mahirap yun. Hahahaha. And I think that gives me peace.

I used to have the notion that once you go do things in accordance to God's will, the peace of Christ will reign in you.

Thankfully, I still have that notion.

I believe that when we set our plans with God as our priority, nothing can ever go wrong and the taste of success is no less sweet as it should be.^^

God bless you all!

(Today I had the blessing of talking with 'John' whom I referred to in one of my recent entries. I am thankful for having had the chance to bless him with my time and sharing... I am thankful for this understanding creature who took his time to listen. May God bless us in our pursuit of genuine revival.)

Pissed. Bullied. Confused.

2010-01-05T05:10:00.000+08:00

That's just all I have to write here... Sometime you have to be a man about tough times. Or pretend to be...while dying inside.

Why play friends with me if you DON'T mean to be friends anyway?! If yu want to b*tch slap me then just get on with it and lay off! I hate it that you grip me firmly on my shoulder and smile at me with endearing support when I surely am not stupid enough to buy into your game.

And why do I feel like I don't have actual friends to turn to at this point? Oh Lord...why am I suddenly mistrusting everyone?

...

Maybe because I was made to be the alpha male to most people. The initiator. The doting protector. The decision-maker.

All the more reason to man up or die pretending... with a smile.

...

I'm a girl too, you know... and I cry...*sigh*

Over for now.

Ranting response-

2010-01-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

Dearest John,

I have always feared that this time would come that you would finally turn to face me and tell me about the reality that we are facing now. I feel surprised and ashamed that between us, you, being the male, had more sensitivity, guts and will to initiate laying out this controversial observation and discussing it with me. I have always thought that I was more of the emotional manager among the two of us, but even then I lacked the guts to take the matter seriously and getting it out in the open. My weakness must have been finding the means and timing to do so; thus I failed where you succeeded in, and I thank you for bravely standing up for our relationship- even against me.

The issue seems too sensitive for me to take that we even perceive the need to put it in writing to get it straight across, and while normally we get to therapeutically laugh at each other's folly...this is just way out of bounds for us to obliterate with laughter. And the issue... I feel helpless in admitting that undeniably, we are at a crisis in our relationship- a slow, eventual trickle of disaster that soon flooded the streets of our lives- breaking communication lines, drawing cracks of doubt in the foundations which we had laid with care and slowly ruining a private haven which we built our beautiful home in. I guess we did not notice how such a small detail could give us a turnout this bad. And now, our relationship that was once a clear, flowing river is now a murky, slow stream that is bound to become a stagnant swamp if we don't manage it now.

I am sorry for being a contributing factor to all this mess which I somewhat encouraged. I am sorry for not trusting you enough. As I learned and found personal growth in many aspects of life, I discovered new things that I did not feel quite comfortable enough to share with you because of...differences. We've talked of that already- I know my errors in the year that passed- you know your doing as you confirmed in your letter. We're both at fault- and like you, I am not interested to play the blame game and am hopeful to solve the problem with you. I thank you for giving me this chance to open up and have my say regarding this misunderstanding, which has been unresolved for long enough.

To this point I am undecided with what I am about to say...but here- Let's just discuss this out front. I feel uncertain but I am willing to set things right- way better than before, as best as I can. You know dear, we've grown so much, even at a distance. I guess the sad part is that, we have grown apart as well, and I hate it as much as you do. I don't want to be comfortable with the increasing distance. Sometimes I have to admit that in my pessimism I just want to give up and turn away, but I can't. I have given several alibis on why I am just moving away, and I am finally tired of doing so. Yes, lots of excuses could not fit the actual reason.

You know, you're not the best advisor I have- you're not really therapeutic when it comes to sorting through issues in general, but I have grown too fond of you to mind that and I love you so much that I don't want to be just another thing of the past and throw this mess out the window. You're very important to me, and I believe I can't find anyone else like you out there who can so foolishly love and care for me. Despite our play fights and genuine disagreements in life, I don't want to be a source of your pain, as I know I have been for the past months. I want to take down every wall of confusion between us and see each other as we ought to. I want to make you smile again and be a source of warmth for you once more.

If going back to being childlike is what it takes, then let's just lay down our doubts and unnecessary suppositions and fears by the road behind us...let's be kids again, and swear to truth in the name of our friendship. I know you're not one to believe in having a relationship with God, but I'm asking Him in all the sweetness of a daughter to bless us in this and give us a winning turnout this time around. Victory is on its way for those who ask it in His Name!

Again, however things go...I hope you know in your heart that you can say with all conceit that you are precious to me and I love you.

All the best,
Penny

Ps- I'd appreciate it if you don't laugh at the contents of this note when we meet again. Also, be thankful that I made it a point to put this note in a large rounded font, as I am very well aware that you are not one to love reading so much that a couple of paragraphs could knock you off to dreamland as easily as I end this note now. Hahahaha.

Happy new year (Part 1)

2010-01-02T00:50:00.000+08:00

Happy new year. I spent most of Dec. 31 in my father's place- we went off buying goods from the market at 3rd street in Caloocan (that's where most of the good stuff is), watching tv, being a couch potato... movies, movies and some biographies of famous people on the tube... was bored most of the afternoon, eating grapes, strawberries and soup (makut), c/o my biological father, hehehe. I had expected to sleep then but my aunt brought me my baby niece, Abi, whom I was tasked to put to sleep. Didn't trust myself to do well, but...okay...

First I kept putting her to bed, attempting to keep her comfy with a blanket and pillow (and hugs from meee), but she kept fidgeting and moving about. Not successful. So ang ginawa ko...

I put on a comedy show for infants and made her giggle and giggle for about five minutes straight. Nevermind that I felt silly as a grownup making those faces and those weird weird sounds in front of this tiny creature (for a while I DID rethink of what I was doing)... but well, a few minutes later I wore her out to snooze quietly... Didn't even see how it happened, I turned away and there she was, sleeping... Success. :) Didn't know I could pull that off...unconventional, but effective. Oh yeah!^^

I didn't leave her side all afternoon as she slept contentedly. I watched a lot more tv than I was usually accustomed to until she woke up. I tried to put her back to sleep... she did, for a while... but later I had to lift her against me. She contentedly dropped her head against my chest and snuggled like it was the most normal thing to do. I felt surprised, but that was pretty... wow.^^ Funny, but the experience of babysitting Abi made me realize a bit more how and why mothers can't and shouldn't ever leave their babies alone, not even a sec. I was compelled to do the same that afternoon to the point that I didn't even go on a bladder break until the night fell and her mother came to take over. (Hirap din tong pamangkin ko at may grabeng ubo at sipon, hmhmm...) Iba talaga mag-alaga ng bata: Full-time. Mahirap. Messy. Hahaha.

When night fell, my 5 brothers, ahia's wife Vicky, and my 2 nieces came by and the fun started. My father was drunk enough to drop asleep around dinner time, so he missed out on all the fun. We ate, watched tv, and unexpectedly, nag-camwhoring ang mga kuya. There were camera dares among the siblings...I was trigger happy, clicking away dihia's new pro-camera with lens. Also, my nieces were just too willing to pose with their girlish charms and smiles. Oh, and while waiting for midnight, we watched tv and feasted on the heavy dinner- nagluto ksi din si papa kaya may pagkain (pancit bihon, chicken, liempo, adobong tenga at dila ng baboy- which I didn't like, fried rice, sansrival, palabok, leche flan, grapes, strawberries, coke, iced tea, cordon bleu, inihaw na tilapia, nilagang buto-buto, beef and ampalaya in oyster sauce- na inubos ko yung beef kasi yung ampalaya, in my opinion, hindi maganda yung pagkababad, so didn't eat it). The pancit bihon was really special, as it was made with real pork broth kaya lasang lasa...

And then there's the part when the guys got crazy...ahia and sahia brought in some alcohol... was slightly surprised that sahia would be open to that, as I see him often as the strict responsible sib. Was more surprised with our baby brother, the youngest (he's actually 19 now but we call him our baby still, hehehe), who joined in and played drinking dare with dihia, my free-spirited half brother who enticed him to take shots of whisky, with softdrinks to chase (tsktsk...atsi's watching you, my dear, and yet...ok fine, it's at home anyway, so...). Anyway I took some tasty swigs myself just around midnight, with grapes and pork strips...yummy...

When the fireworks started, that's when I went out of the house to join the gang (my brothers) in watching the lights show... the sky was streaked with bright colors, and against the black canvas of the night sky, the colors looked fantastic... made me look on in awe, no less like a kid...or a pyromaniac, whatever you choose, hahaha. We lit up a few rockets, sparkler fountains, lusis (that were substandard in my opinion, as they didn't even last long...3/4 pa lang ng stick wala na), and those large balls wrapped in brown paper that I didn't really like as they just exploded loudly with a bang- noise, sokes, but no lights. Booo... My father woke up just in time to see the last of the fireworks...

Not bad. I felt glad that God made it possible for us to have a blissful new year celebration with members of my father's side, minus touching controversial topics which erupt into arguments and walkouts. While walking in the market that morning, I prayed to God for a peaceful celebration...thank you.

Next, we packed some leftovers, bid each other goodbye, and went off to home... The streets looked like alleys taken from Resident Evil. Hahaha. The smoke made the surrounding look all creepy... Cool.^^

But it wasn't quite the end of the fesitivites for us. Just as we stepped in the house, we hurriedly packed a few clothes and stuff and we went on a smoky road trip to Alabang to my grandma's (my ma's aunt's) house where we were scheduled to have our annual new year's reunion party.

About 5 hours of sleep later, the fun continued, intensified about five times better and more hilarious than the previous night...and I danced. That's part 2. Hahaha.

Lashing Out Against The Wannabe

2009-12-28T19:06:00.000+08:00

I felt severely disappointed after reading this book. Don't read it! I can't believe that the Sheldon family opted to have Bagshawe write out a wannabe 'sequel' to Sheldon's magnificent tale of Master of The Game! The Jamie McGregor-Kate Blackwell era woven craftily by The Master of Suspense (God bless his soul) has been tainted by this so-called follow-thorugh 'saga' with Lexi, Max, Robbie and Gabe. Fine, fine I want to have a heart and see through the amateur scribble...but come on! It's a desperate attempt- sensing from all that ugly controversey, that gruesome, distasteful choice of concept that will leave you wincing, I'd say she tried too hard to make a twisted tale here! Yes, twisted, that's it! Sidney Sheldon had a lot more heart! I expected more from an actual femme, tsk tsk... And I expected more from the writer as the penholder, having been given a beautiful base to work on. It's a Sheldon tale you're writing over, if you didn't notice! I know, I know...the Kurger-Brent curse worked through the Blackwells like a slow poison and their story is bound to end in tragedy with the eligible heirs. But NOT like this! Not this SICK! This book is almost an insult, a mere exploitation of the Sheldon name. Ugh. Can't expect me to be too kind with this, as I am speaking as a critic... Up yours, Tilly. Try harder.

The Words Unsaid

2009-12-28T18:44:00.000+08:00

I woke up again and again at around four to five this morning from dreams tinted with gray...disappointments of not so long ago. I wish I'm saying this as a metaphor, but it's more than that. When I dream, it's always full of color, but at this rare instance...it's all shaded gray.

I dreamt that I was back in my old school where I had spent four years of my college life. It should not have been so much to think of, except that I kept seeing that person I've been trying to put aside in my thoughts and in my life. It hurt to see him happy and daring me to say something. It seemed so real then...I felt sad as I pretended not to care, walking away from him. But it tore me apart to think how he could be so comfortable with hurting me...breaking me... I gave him no less than the best that I've got, and yet...

When I woke up at around 530 in the morning, mixed thoughts churned through my system...my every nerve initially wanted to scream ENOUGH! and push the black-handled kitchen knife deep into my chambers and up over my carotid arteries to conclude it all. The emotions were raw enough then to drive me that mad... But then as I took the time to breathe and calm myself down in the silence of my room at the break of dawn...I found my senses. I decided to get my Bible and journal, propped these heavy things on my 17 year-old mattress like my weighing heart and got down to writing. In my loose thoughts (and screws), I began to write with my more friendly .3 G-tech...

"Unwell-

Lord, I woke up from a dream of him again. When does it stop? I feel tortured...mentally and emotionally drained with these momentary glimpses of my past that so degrades and hurts me all the more. I know it's all the consequence of disobedience...I am praying for your wisdom and mercy that may get through this alive. There are still times that I want to end this in a shortcut. But I know that's another idea that's apart from your will. So I won't. God, give me strength to withstand the odds. You're mighty and I'm in need of that might. Nahihirapan pa rin ako. I want to forget...but how? I want to trust you to resolve everything..."

After some more intimate and intense God-talks, I paused to read:

(Extracted from Proverbs 1):

(1:7) The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

(1:19) Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it.

This made me really sad-

(1:23-28) If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock you when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me.

Naisip ko lang...maybe 2 factors which contributed to the generation of this dream is that I haven't been keeping my guard up and nourishing myself with the Word. Kulang ang supply, kaya dapat dagdagan. Also, I was disappointed over someone whom I was counting on to reply through text, but then didn't come through...made me feel that perhaps they're all the same and that he's no different. Or maybe he didn't receive my text, was too busy in wooing his woman, or maybe work, or watching that movie...I don't know...*shrug*

Before I knew it, I fell asleep again, just as the sky was turning to a cool shade of blue...

11/29/09

2009-12-17T17:56:00.003+08:00

If letting go of my hold
is your one heart's means
To embrace true happiness
beyond what is,
Then who am I
to deny you the chance?
All the choice is yours-
as my love is- in this dance:

Kindled by a wish to still hold fast,
Empowered by the will to part at last,

...

Still I know I'll let go in the final song
Then in my dreams and tomorrow, you'll be gone, so long...

Run free, my heart, my love, my soul.
Unfurl your being that yearns to be whole,
Endear your reality to the fullness of your bidding,
Lose yourself in aspiration...and if you must...

Lose me.

Over mirthful times and glorious heights,
Veil the love that's meant to let you be...

Everything you want...

...yes, you are free.

Lord, we need to talk...

2009-12-02T03:44:00.003+08:00

(11.30.09)
Lord, I just need to talk with you. See, I have this problem I can't seem to get out of my head. It seems like I'm handling it solo again as before...but I don't want that, knowing I'm really nothing without you. So what do I do? You know more than anyone how my heart's been badly broken this month...and though in reality it's just a month, to me it's like a decade of suffering. I know about bearing the consequences of following my own folly and just getting up past the torture...but you know how this feels like more than I can bear, and I don't know why...even after having said, "I'm over it!" like twice or thrice I think...I never really do. I need you Lord to reveal to me...am I faking it? Do I not draw strength from you? I want to, my only chance to recover is you...I know you have every right to punish me for all that I've done...but even as a God of just anger, you are, as much, a God of mercy and forgiveness. Lord, I have asked for your forgiveness on this matter...I am asking for you forgiveness again if I have hidden faults I have not surrendered. I am sorry Lord...I want to stop hurting day by day...am I pushing you away in the process? Maybe to harden myself...I don't know. So let me know.

Hindi na mababawi- sponge cola

2009-10-25T10:05:00.002+08:00

Ngayo'y aking inuunawang pilit
Mga pagkukulang kong iyong ginigiit
Sana'y malaman mo na tanging ikaw lamang
Ang aking iniintindi

Nakatanim pa sa'king alaala
Pangako mong mananatili ka
Kaya't paglisan mo'y naiwan ang pusong ito
Na ngayo'y bitin na bitin

'Di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako'y iyong pinaasa?

Nasa aking guniguni malamig mong tinig
Kasabay ng hanging na dumarampi
Na para bang ika'y nariyan sa aking paligid
Tahimik na nagmamasid

Nahulog na'ng mga ulap, buwan at araw, mga bituwin
Ang ginugol na panaho'y nasaan?
'Di ba't sayang naman?
Giliw

Ngunit di mo na mababawi iniwang sakit
Sa mga salitang binitiwan mo
Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagpasya, nagtakda
At siyang unang umiwas
Bakit nga ba ako'y iyong pinaasa?

Bakit nga ba ako'y iyong pinaasa?

Torments of the young adult

2009-10-09T22:35:00.007+08:00

I think I'm losing it.

Anyway, I'm just going to keep quiet and read some...

I wish I can just erase my mistakes with a series of burning hoop shots. Or maybe three servings of Jollibee palabok. Or maybe ten dance sessions at the arcades. Or a limitless set of bouts in Tekken 6. Or if I'm going my usual way, I'd be snoring under a book by Philip Yancey again. Hahaha. Hay. *muses*

Have any of you felt that way, na sana you could have done it differently...better...correctly? I'm sure I'm not the first person in history to think this way...hindi na bago ito sa talaan ng kasaysayan ng emosyon...but it just feels terrible when you're in the mess of things.

Figures. Regrets are eating away at my present state and I hate it. It's all my fault- and yes, I'm taking the blame like a man. Yet I'm partly wishing that God would take me so the torments of my past would stop taking over my mind...but then, that's not gonna work now. Hahaha.

Off to bed. Hoping to do voluntary work tomorrow. Hoping to realize that despair isn't the best present option...

Whoever reads this (in blogger or multiply), remember dear friend that however things go, only God can hold you so tightly with a hundred percent willpower and will never let you go. So stay in his hold, stay happy and always remember that you are loved by the best. And I love you too.

Boat rides, water shortage and crowds shouting help

2009-10-08T21:54:00.006+08:00

Yesterday I as looking ahead at a day of volunteering with my friends in Red Cross, National Chapter. Nothing special, just a program somewhere around to help and we're done.

But when I came in at 7 (I was an hour early), I was greeted with a big surprise as I casually asked one of the seniors there, Ma'am Mimi:

"So saan po tayo today?"
"Ah, sa Rizal."

Huwaaat?! Oookay... as I know, so far I haven't been there. But Rizal...I wasn't informed that we were actually going to do an outreach to a flooded area there... that rubber shoes *looked down at my cool white-and-yellow fila rubbers* were not recommended, baby oil is a must-have, and we needed extra clothes and slippers. I only brought my knapsack bag filled with 2 Yancey books (just in case I get bored on a pause), my black G-tech pen (which never came back to me), hanky (as reminded often by Aldrin), and some cash.

And to their estimate, mga 7-9 ang uwi time. Ah, just great- actually I meant that both ways. I felt excited with the experience of real-life volunteering for victims of Ondoy, bringing them hygiene kits...but I was anxious with my mother not knowing. Well, I didn't know until I came in for the job! Sue me then! (But hopefully she wouldn't pry so much...during and after the trip, so...)

We moved out at ten am, came in at around 12 noon. I was surprised with the looks of our way...marami pa ring water doon sa dinaanan namin. Akala ko yun na. Yun pala, tatawid pa pala kami ng Pasig River in order to get to another side of Rizal (sa Napindan) doon sa isang vicinity na hindi pa nabibigyan ng relief goods.

First we were oriented informally by the local officials on what to expect. Sabi lulusong daw kami sa tubig baha, ranging from waist-deep to chest-deep (o di ba ang taray, hehehe). We put on baby oil on our legs to close the pores and protect ourselves from the effects of wading in the water (fungal infections, drying, etc.). We fixed ourselves- binaba lahat ng gamit, no cellphones kasi baka mabasa lang, nagtali ako buhok and then rolled up na ang black 3/4 pants.

May isa nga sa min, si Billy, nagtanggal ng pants- bale boxers lang, para hindi mabasa, hehehe kulit. Natuwa nga ako sa kanya kasi nag-offer siyang magpadamay ng mga cellphones and stuff just in case we really wanted to carry some, kasi siya rin mismo parang gusto magdala for pictures e di might as well dadalhin niya na din yung amin- kaso at the last minute di na rin siya sure, so iwan talaga lahat.

Nagpanic mode ako when I thought of the possible scenario pag nabasa ako. Malalaman ng nanay ko, hay tapos away na naman at badshot na naman sa kanya lalo itong trabaho ko. So I looked for a pair of pants I coudl somehow purchase sa mga stores dun. Sa karinderia nagbebenta ng long pants for kids. May isang xl na panglalaki. Eh tinry ko, desperado eh...kumasya sa kin comfortably as a 3/4 pair of pants, hahahahaha yey, so sugod pa rin ako., I was given the option to choose to go to the other side or not, but of course, I wanted to go help, so it was a doubtless yes.

Shortly dumating yung truck ng RC Rizal Chapter with the relief goods. That was when I slowly got the real picture. We were not there just for health teachings and hygiene awareness. We were participating in a collaborative relief operations for victims of Ondoy.

So pinaglunch kami sa karinderia. I was rather uncomfy eating kasi madumi yung spoon, which I washed sa lababo nila...and yung manok ng kaldereta may dugo pang nag-ooze, yung kanin medyo hilaw pa (minadali kasi), but then still I ate about 3 spoons max (with a passive expression) as a respectful gesture and thanked the resident cook for her hospitable efforts. I drank water from our own stock.

Then time to go work. The first task was to load the relief goods in the boats. Nagrelay mode kami, pila from the truck to the dock and pass goods. Nasa near end ako ng dock. So ayun, pasa ng bigas, damit, canned goods, noodles...yung iba galing ng abscbn sagip-kapamilya. Then at around 2 pinasakay ako sa boat to go to the other side. I was supposed to do health teachings, kaso pagland ko sa other side (on top of a roof, so hindi pala kami lulusong, hehehe yey), I found that the people were falling in line a la wowowee sa gulo at haba. They were very noisy and wanted to get their relief goods. Siyempre ang hirap maglecture.

So hindi na, tumulong na lang ako mag-unload ng bottled mineral water (in gallons, small bottles...), clothes, slippers and biscuits. May crowd control pa sa super gulo...kaso grabe may mga nagccut pa rin ng line na nahuli naman, hahahay. Some checked the locals and gave them numbers to ensure that they really belonged to the place (with signatures pa kasi mahirap na). We were watching the locals who were helping us din, kasi may mga nag-aattempt magnakaw (meron!)... at meron ngang nagbukas ng goods na hindi naman kanila. Hay.

Umambon-ambon, but I prayed to God na wag munang magpaulan, so other than a fine shower or two, oks kami...thank God talaga. 5pm na nung naipamigay lahat. Yung hygiene kits, 105 napamigay...nahiya ako kasi mali pala bilang namin, dapat 100 lang bibigay doon. 3 trips ang plan for all of us to get back sa kabilang side. I rode the last trip...so nalamigan ako at naambunan pa sa ibabaw ng bubungan bago nakabalik. Todo wash ako, alcohol and change of pants before we left the place.

On the way we made a stop at one house owned by a redcrosser, then nagsalu-salo kami sa Andoks litson-manok at bangus na may lamang sibuyas at kamatis. Enjoy naman kaso naparami ako ng coke after the meal so ang sakit ng tiyan ko. Hahaha. Kinabahan na ko dun pa lang kasi 730 na at nasa Rizal pa rin ako. Eh siyempre pano ko naman sila mapapamadali di ba... But then I talked to our driver, Sir Firstestone, who is more than what he seems.

On the way home, dahil nasa front seat ako, I told him that I was feeling anxious kasi dapat ako makarating ng uste ng around 9 para makasabay kay sahia at hindi magalit si mama. Later he offered to drop me sa Espana corner Lacson (much to my surprise). And I was given ample time to rest, change back to my rubber shoes and eat 4 pugo eggs on the sidewalk along McDo before I rode home with my bros. Thank God talaga for that help.

And thus my adventure. Grabeng pagod at consciousness sa germs, but then it was a great adventure. I met new interesting people. Dun naman sa pinuntahan namin, the officers there told us later that the people were so excited and some were crying kasi hindi pa nga daw sila nakakatanggap ng tulong. Walang kuryente rin to this day since Sept 26 pa, and yung water sa December pa daw totally mawawala. Grabe talaga yun. At kulang ang potable water na pinamigay namin...dapat sana per family may 6 gallons man lang. Hindi lahat nakakuha.

Anyway, there'll be more of that for me in the next coming days...

One Great Love

2009-10-06T21:02:00.003+08:00

How could I have existed so long
Going aimlessly
Been there, wasted, gone all wrong
Imprisoned in my plea

My silent plea that hopes in silence
That there's more to life than this
I guess it takes humbling Godly sense
To figure what I miss

Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue

Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend

How could I have been so blind
When the answers have long been there
How could I have refused to mind
Your perfect, utmost care

You guided me through my lifeless years
Waiting patiently
You took my sins, my falls, my tears
All for the love of me

Turn to me, my One Great Love
Open my eyes to you
Smoulder my heart and set it above
My reasons, weak, untrue

Overwhelm me, take over me
Love me to the end
From these chains of pretense set me free
And with your healing, let me mend

Rappin' it ol' style

2009-10-06T10:59:00.005+08:00

I heard this early in third year. Lecrae used to be a lost sheep who realized later on that he's supposed to be rappin' it out for the Lord. Hehehe. I like his songs...and how I loved them to the point that I used one of them (Send Me!) as a background music in a video that I submitted to Sister Vinoya (my nun professor back in UST). Hahahaha.

I dare you to rap this one out. Witty, bold, straight in-your-face lyrics from Lecrae. Hehehe. (Pasensiya na sa mga parts na hindi ko magets, wala rin ako mahanap na perfect lyrics sa net- and I can't fill 'er in kasi nigga accent siya...no racism involved, hindi ko lang tlg maintindihan.^^)

They tell me, "'Crae murk the track, hurt the rap"
Naw dawg, let me pose a question to you
"Have you heard of my Dad?"
Purchased us back, put man's curse on his back
I worship for that, it's my whole purpose in fact
Purple and black, is how we looked I'm certain of that
And man I cry when I think of how the Curtain was cracked
But He rose in three days, that's a pertinent fact
And since He created to save me, I serve him for that
I read His Word all the time so He stay on my mind
Flesh rise all the time so I stay on the grind
When it's time to go to Heaven I don't pray I'm in line
I'm a hundred percent positive I'm waiting for mine
Ain't no ifs, ands, or buts, whos or whats
You walking away from Christ, man you losing touch!
Take away your ? man you doing too much
The world's feet rush into evil, pursuing their lusts

I hope that ya'll listening well, there's only two places to dwell
[Heaven or Hell]
And if you representing the first, I pray you're representing well
[Heaven or Hell]
I hope that ya'll listening well, there's only two places to dwell
[Heaven or Hell]
And if you representing the first, I pray you're representing well
[Heaven or Hell]

Some of ya'll got it twisted
Hell, why risk it?
Life can be fixed through Christ, I'm a witness
And I don't care about 5 mics or a hit list
I'm getting kinda used to gettin' dissed as a Christian
Dawg, let's get one thing straight
Out the gate, I'm the type of dude to put a slab of truth on your plate
And I don't care if ya heard it twice
I ain't trippin' if you just left church- ya heard of Christ!
Let me tell you what was holdin' me
Six hours on the Cross while His Holy Blood flowed for me
What you know about a sacrifice?
When you step off the throne for the same one that snatched your life
Man, let me tell you dawg Christ is real
Without Him you got nothing
You're living off of life's appeals
Make Him Lord in your life
Cause ya'll be in death row talking bout ya kinda like the deal...

I hope that ya'll listening well, there's only two places to dwell
[Heaven or Hell]
And if you representing the first, I pray you're representing well
[Heaven or Hell]
I hope that ya'll listening well, there's only two places to dwell
[Heaven or Hell]
And if you representing the first, I pray you're representing well
[Heaven or Hell]

Hey yo, I might have to bleed for this
I'm not ashamed of Christ
There's Romans 1:16 for this
And I don't care if I'm blinded dawg
Everytime I trip and fall, I just be reminded dawg
And you call yourself grinding dawg?
You can served more birds than churches
But you still dying dawg!
I don't care what city you from
Whether from the suburbs or from the slums
But Christ still gon' come!
And matter of fact, if He come now
You can be a six-eight, heavyweight, but your knees gon' bow
Ain't no telling Him to ease on down
And when the trumpet sound
And *blat* everybody see that ground
I don't care about fame and wealth
Put my God on a shelf?
Naw dawg I'd rather hang myself!
Forgive me if I can't contain myself!
Cause if YOU DIED, and didn't hear the Gospel, than I blame MYSELF!

Holy Spirit, Come

2009-10-06T10:19:00.003+08:00

This is one of the boldest published prayers I have read about in the contemporary world. Hahaha. Whew.

Holy Spirit by Nate Sallie...the signer and song writer. Let me say a bit about the interesting background of the writer- he is equally superb in basketball and music. Many colleges were wooing him with scholarships to have him as a player in their courts, but he also loved music, so as he was nearing his graduation he felt indecisive and could not move.

And then he suffered an injury, breaking both his ankles, which rendered him unfit to play, yet which gave him the chance and drive to focus on his musical abilities. He wrote songs and played the piano. He was easily noticed with his talent. Eventually he also realized that he wasn't mainly for the piano, but for the guitars, and that's where he settled as he started making albums.

Ok, enough of that story...just fascinates me how God can move people in his own way and time...:)

More than just a moment in history
More than just an experience that I seek
Yours is a friendship that lasts forever
And everyday I hear You speak

Mysteries revealed each day
Hidden treasures found in faith
You are the fire sent down from heaven
Until I see You face to face

I will run to you
And your words of truth

Holy Spirit, come
Come and fill me with your love
Move inside of me
Fill the air I breathe
And Holy Spirit come
Fall on me

Conversations run so deep
Spoken promises from the King
And I never want to leave Your presence
You're all that I need

Saturate every move I make
So I'm filled with what I crave
And open my eyes to the pathways ahead
And every step that I take

And I'll run to you
And your words of truth

Holy Spirit, come
Come and fill me with your love
Move inside of me
Fill the air I breathe
And Holy Spirit come
Yeah

Walk with me
Tell me secrets of His majesty
Pour on me visions and dreams
And I want more than just a little bit of everything
I want all you're saying
So I'm praying
Yeah

Holy Spirit, come
Come and fill me with your love
Move inside of me
Fill the air I breathe and
Holy Spirit come
Oh move inside of me
Feel the air I breathe
Holy Spirit come

Fall on me

Amazing love

2009-10-06T10:14:00.002+08:00

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, and I know it’s true
And it’s my joy to honor You In all I do to honor You

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, and I know it’s true
And it’s my joy to honor You In all I do

To honor You
In all I do, to honor You

You are my King You are my King Jesus,
You are my King You are my King

2 face-offs

2009-10-06T09:28:00.004+08:00

I now know what scares me other than being thrown in a place where I know no one.

I went back to my old school to meet my SJ friends. Most of them greeted me with a friendly face. I was rather surpised when one of them- a very close friend of mine- asked for my assistance to help him cook a new recipe which he wanted to learn. Willingly I encouraged him to get on with in as I was ready to help him.

But as I asked for details on when and how I could help him...he suddenly became disinterested and soon left me without a word. I was hoping that he would come to his senses and return, but he didn't. It was as if I rejected him. But no, I really wanted to help him. Hayyy.

Later on...

I was sitting in a very small room where I sat down face-to-face with a person whom I consider dear to me. There was a single bed covered in white sheets on the right and a bathroom door behind him. Behind me was the exit door.

I was about to start talking with him when he suddenly had to excuse himself to go out. And out the door he went. While he was gone, I looked around and stealthily opened his wallet, expecting to see my picture.

My heart sank almost painfully as I found the space for pictures blank. I noticed a pile of pictures under one of the slits and in suspense started to browse them with a hand. I saw pictures of his many friends, but I could not find mine. I was feeling hurt by the moment. I did not understand how he could forget me in such a short time. I wanted to be remembered and cherished.

Just then I accidentally saw what looked like my picture well hidden in the opposite slit, but before I could check closely, my friend returned and I had to hastily rearrange the wallet.

He did not seem to notice anything. I did not bother asking him anything. As I was about to talk to him again, he excused himself to answer a call in front of me. Holding up a piece of paper with purple scribbles of computations and sitting on the floor before me, he told the caller, whom I also knew, "Pare, huwag ka nga magulo, makakasakit ka eh, hahahaha." Something like that. And he ended the call there to face me.

But before we could start discussing things, a girl with ruffled brown hair entered without knocking and went straight to the bathroom, but not before taunting him, "Matulog ka na lang kasi." Hahaha. To which he replied, "Ikaw ang matulog. Hahaha." And then another girl entered, whom I did not notice, but she also made for the bathroom and left as quickly as the first one did.

I looked at my friend, feeling hurt that he seemed to be taking me for granted with all these interruptions on my visit which was supposedly our bonding time together. I wanted to ask him a lot of questions, but the words would not come. I just sat there looking at him as he looked back with a passive expression on his face. I started to realize that I was making efforts to catch my breath as my chest started to hurt.

That's when I woke up, feeling my heart pumping fiercely against my chest. Tachycardia and tachypnea accompanied by substernal pain. I forced myself to breathe and regain full consciousness at once, for fear that I might have a heart attack if the stressful feeling of pain goes on.

Thus the fear of being...taken for granted..? Hehehe. I prayed for ease of physical symptoms and comfort of divine answers before I quickly composed this entry. I guess the Lord is presenting to me the challenge of putting my confidence in him and for my happiness to depend on him and his wonderful character and promises.

Well who wants to be forgotten anyway?^^ Hmmm...I ought to have more faith in the Love that will never leave me. Good morning!

More Beautiful You

2009-10-03T23:46:00.003+08:00

Somehow this song is for me as well as everyone, especially the girls who'll be reading it...

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

I love lebron ^^

2009-10-01T22:55:00.001+08:00

"May Bukas Pa"

hehehe

Blessed be Your Name

2009-10-01T22:54:00.000+08:00

Blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name

and blessed be Your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name

every blesssing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
and when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say:

blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
bleseed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name

and blessed be your name
when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's all as it should be
blessed be your name

and blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name

you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart wil chose to say:
blessed be your name

Cuteness of abi

2009-10-01T22:45:00.003+08:00

I love kids... eto pamangkin ko, si Abi... di ako makakuha ng picture na malinaw na nakaharap siya kasi ang likot eh hahaha.

Nako nako, hahaha batang makulit... ayan gusto ng books, magazines...hmmm parang ako lang ah hehehe. Warms the heart to just watch her. 1 year old na siya. hehehe.

A memoir I will keep forever

2009-10-01T22:04:00.002+08:00

Standing here, in Your presence

Thinking of the good things You have done

Waiting here, patiently

Just to hear Your still small voice again

Holy, righteous, faithful to the end

Savior, healer, redeemer and friend

I will worship You for who You are

I will worship You for who You are Jesus

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

My soul secure, Your promise sure

Your love endures always

Somnolent detachment

2009-10-01T21:15:00.005+08:00

(I'm guilty of this...hehehe)

I flip through a book in the afternoon
The soft yellow rays shining in my room
I stretch like a lazy cat on my bed
Knowing past my reading what I'd be doing instead

Line after line, my eyes move in time
With the hum of the fan, playing like a rhyme
While processing the book content, feeling rested
My wakeful guard slips away, spinning my head

I fight the yearning of my eyelids feeling heavy
Urging them to read on despite losing quickly
Line after line and page after page
Blurs into nothing in my clouded cage

I flip through more slowly, my consciousness ebbing
Struggling through the hum of a lullaby fading
Losing clear sight of the faint yellow lighting
And in one final moment, losing grip and falling

Willfully giving in to my somnolent need
The defensive comforts of reality's deed
Making my escapade from the realm of grims
Surrendering into the loving snare of timeless dreams

...

When God tells me to wait

2009-10-01T20:50:00.003+08:00

I hate waiting. It's part of my impatient nature. I am a person who is constantly on the go, wanting to fast-forward things, sometimes forgetting to enjoy the moment while concerning myself with moving forward.

But God is the boss of this cosmic show. And as the one who knows best around here, I ought to let him call the shots and take my cues from him. This is where the conflict comes in. My nature struggles against the restraint of steady faith and sure trust in the one whom we are always sure of.

One of my worst nightmares in this little lifetime is being domestic...stuck in a rut of tending the home, doing chores, washing dishes and delighting myself on a pile of laundry that never seems to disappear. Rest would include cooking, siesta and watching noontime shows and tear-jerker never-ending soaps. Well I can live alone and maintain my house, as long as I don't have to do solely those things. I want to be working outside the house too. Being stuck in a domestic routine burns me out more than any repetitive activity. Which is why I think I'm going to be a terrible mother. Hahaha.

Unfortunately in my condition now, especially with my career, God is telling me to put brakes on my impatience and wait on him.

What?! In denial, I haggle with him...though I know how futile this is... I'm 22, postgrad, a lot of life and opportunity ahead of me, licensed RN, lots of energy to spend on caring for patients and getting the much-awaited real-life action outside these walls...come on...when do you want me to begin, at thirty??!

But no. God wants me to wait.

I ask why...I told him I'll be waiting for his answer.

And I still don't get why I'm waiting.

After going round and round with rationalizing the incomprehensible, I just go back to the same (and only) clear reply I have for now: Trust God.

Grrr. Grrr. Venting my frustrations over unwashed dishes and the thawing batch of chicken wings that I'll have to cook for dinner, I fume over how I hate black holes in reasoning. But then fine, what other logical choice do I have but to wait on the Lord? I sense in such case how I am like a toddler, thrashing rebelliously on the lap of a parent who sees things better and saying NO and WAIT.

So fine, I will. Aaaa. This better be worth it, Lord.

...

Ah, what am I saying...this IS certainly worth it.

Wishful thinking

2009-09-18T22:58:00.004+08:00

I wish I knew what it took for me...

To make you stay smiling with me through the rain.

Secret Song

2009-09-18T22:53:00.001+08:00

*OK, ok, last na ito from FM Static- for now. Yahaha.

I met you at the club that night,
Around was spinning records,
And my heart said,
Hey now, Hey now, Hey now,
Hey now yaaaow

You said you were pleased to meet me,
Through the sweet smell of your perfume,
And blew me,
Away now, Away now, Away now,
Away now yaaaow

Later on that week we went out,
Talked under the stars until the next,
Day now, Day now, Day now,
Day now yaaaow

you drank your fruitopia,
And we never ran out of things to,
Say now, Say now, Say now,
Say now yaaow

Any minute im not with you,
I hope ill see you soon,
Theres just something that happens,
When you walk into the room

And instantly i feel so complete,
It hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek,
And you give me this feeling,
Its like no other feeling,
But it knocks me off my feet

Please dont ask me what i like about you,
Cause its every little thing you do,
And thats just the way you make me feel

And I dont think,
That there are any others out there like you,
And I wont blink cause that would mean,
I would miss a second beside you

And maybe you know what i mean,
Or maybe this is just a dream,
I pinch myself just to make sure,
But im still here and there you are,
I wonder why we just met now,
It just kind of happened somehow,
But here we are together and,
Thats all that matters in the end

You can never ask for too much,
Cause id travel the world just to feel your touch,
Thats just the way you make me feel

How Can I Keep From Singing

2009-09-18T22:48:00.002+08:00

By Chris Tomlin. Talks about how in the midst of struggles and suffering, we are still compelled to sing praises and stand firm because we have the Lord who means more than the life that we have now.

Nako Lord, I love you so much! Thank you for having mercy on me.

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Nice Piece of Art

2009-09-18T22:12:00.002+08:00

**OK, it's official. I am hooked. Hahaha. I am slowly figuring that FM Static is probably a Christian band specializing in Godly love songs.

I've tried not to let anyone in until now
I guess conversations never allow
and I've been feeling like I'm on some sort of merry-go-round
And I know, I know, yeah I know, I know

And I've tried not to let anyone in until now
It took time for me to figure it out
and when I feel like I'm complacent with my
head in the clouds
I know, I know, yeah I know, I know

and every time I wonder what's real you make me feel...

You make me feel like a lavender sweater
when I'm caught in bad weather,
In my Volkswagen Jetta
You make me feel like a complete work of art
when I'm just falling apart
A really nice piece of art

Dear God,
I hope you hear me

And I've tried not to let anyone in until now
Misunderstandings are an easy way out
And I've been feeling all this pressure just to figure it out
And I know, don't know, yeah I know, don't know

And I know that if I just stay strong I can make it
and try harder when I just can't take it
And when everything around me feels so broken and jaded

I know, I know, yeah I know, I know
and every time I wonder what's real you make me feel...

You make me feel like a lavender sweater
When I'm caught in bad weather
In my Volkswagen Jetta
You make me feel like a complete work of art
when I'm just falling apart
A really nice piece of art

It's kinda warped, but it's picking up slowly
I don't know, but I can if you'll show me
I guess sometimes it takes more than just fake conversations
to feel like I know that
It's kinda hard when I'm planning for something
to get across this hole without jumping
I guess sometimes it takes more than just false information
to find out who we are

Definitely Maybe

2009-09-18T22:08:00.002+08:00

*Super hilarious. Tsktsktsk.

I met a girl named Taylor
And she lived in the heart of America
She liked black caddies
Listened to Puff Daddy
Danced until her legs were sore

She worked around the corner
At a diner with a grouchy owner
And her boyfriend's shady, he dates another girl named Katie
He loves her definitely maybe

Don't think I can take it
Wake me when it's over
She lives So far away
I wish that it was closer
I see you every day
I'm too scared to go over
I wonder what she'd say
I barely even know her

And how much longer
Will this keep getting stronger
I wonder what she's doing when I'm singing myself to sleep
Cause he's a faker
So see ya later
I wonder when you'll realize that she means a lot more to me

I saw you in the hallway when my last class was just over
It was Friday, school was out tonight
Everything seems to be all right
I said,"Yo, are you going to the party at The Cove?"
She said,"He's picking me up six again
An' I don't wanna disappoint my boyfriend."

And she's staring at his picture hanging in her locker
She's telling all the girls about all the things that he bought her
I saw what really happened all those times he went for water
When we were at the movie theater watching Harry Potter
He had his hands on
Every single girl he laid his eyes on
Hate to break it to you, he's a pile on
And even when he kissed her
He was looking over, staring at her sister

Moment of Truth

2009-09-18T21:59:00.002+08:00

*Another wow hit by fm static. I'm feeling an addiction coming on...

Here we are, in the best years of our lives.
With no way of knowing, when the
whee'll stop spinning cause we don't
know where we're going...
and here we are, on the best day of our lives.
And it's a go, lets make it last, so cheers you
all to that, 'cause this moment's never comin' back

I used to know her brother, but I never
knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her
eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down,
she's the only one around, and she means
every little thing to me

I've got your picture in my wallet, and your
Phone number to call it, and I miss you more,
Whenever I think about you,. I've got
your mixed tape in my Walkman, been so
long since we've been talkin' and in a few
more days, we'll both hook up, forever and ever

And here I am, on the west coast of
America and I've been tryin' to think for weeks of
all the ways to ask you, And now
I've brought you to the place, Where I've
poured my heart out, a million times, for a million
reasons, To offer it to you

I used to know her brother, but I never
knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her
eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down,
she's the only one around, and she means
every little thing to me

Oh man...I love this.

2009-09-17T01:24:00.001+08:00

Last song before bedtime...somehow I am able to relate to this.^^

This time I finally see
The reason why, I can't do this alone,
It took some time and concentration,
To believe it, this I know

I need to build my faith sometimes,
But I am so comfortable in line,
I'm up, there's no more time,
To try to mess with this design

Tonight's complete,
Everyone's asleep,
And I wanna say these words to You,
I'll be Your hands, take me as I am,
I just wanna be with You

Take me as I am, 'cause I'm going,
I was too scared to start,
And now I'm too scared to let go.
Take me as I am, 'cause I'm growing,
But it's so hard to tell
When I'm not used to this so

Take me as I am, 'cause I'm going,
I was too scared to start,
And now I'm too scared to let go.
Take me as I am, 'cause I'm growing,
But it's so hard to tell
When I'm not used to this so...

I lift my voice to sing out,
Let the sound of my heart ring out,
These hands aren't holding me down,
Never again will I be without

I need to build my faith sometimes,
But I am so comfortable in line,
I'm up, there's no more time,
To try to mess with this design

Tonight's complete,
Everyone's asleep,
And I wanna say these words to You,
I'll be Your hands, take me as I am,
I just wanna be with You

Take me as I am, 'cause I'm going,
I was too scared to start,
And now I'm too scared to let go.
Take me as I am, 'cause I'm growing,
But it's so hard to tell
When I'm not used to this so

Take me as I am, 'cause I'm going,
I was too scared to start,
And now I'm too scared to let go.
Take me as I am, 'cause I'm growing,
But it's so hard to tell
When I'm not used to this so...

Tonight by FM Static

2009-09-17T01:13:00.003+08:00

**I've been thinking...Christian band ba ang FM Static?

Anyway after my ranting (that is, my entry before this one) I encounter this song...

...

I remember the times we spent together on those drives
We had a million questions all about our lives
And when we got to New York everything felt right
I wish you were here with me tonight

I remember the days we spent together were not enough
And it used to feel like dreamin' except we always woke up
Never thought not having you here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you sat and told me about your Jesus
And how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes not having you here

I sing

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I sing

Ranting in the wee hours of the morn

2009-09-17T00:36:00.004+08:00

It's 12:41 in the morning and I'm still awake. Just finished watching a movie and playing some facebook games. That's bumming to me... Well I deserve it I think, after doing my chores. Too bad it suddenly rained hard...I was hoping for the sun to dry my freshly washed clothes...*shrug*

Right now I'm just in a reflective mood. I have a lot of options open before me, but which road to take... Somehow I want to be careful with how I move, since as much as possible I wouldn't want to do anything that is not accordance to God's will. I don't want to pursue something just because I want to or just because my mother said so...I want to make sure that God approves of it, then I'll take it.

Hmm...makes me think about when I've stopped wanting to live primarily for myself...and when I started to realize that my joy can only be full through living for the Lord. Well, it's a good step...and what mercy I got despite me being me then- the skeptic Roman Catholic logician with a lot of attitude problem...it makes me laugh now... Not saying that I don't have problems with my attitude because I know I have a LOT of room for improvement...but I am thankful to God that...well, looking back now...much has positively changed...

And I know that's all that matters...running the race towards God...to the day we meet...

About a month ago I wanted to speed up the process of facing him. I was asking Him for that. Yes, morbid for people who see death conversations as taboo- which means most people, hehehe... But then I realized the necessity of living for His purpose. Yes, accepting Christ can make one rightfully say, "Now I can die happy," but it does not excuse one from living on, enduring suffering in His name to the day He says, "It's time."

So enough of that "Lord, let's meet now," and on with life...

Life...

Currently I'm just a fresh grad thinking about my college life, my dreams, my next steps... I'm using foresight to weight my available options...but even that kind of outlook won't suffice because let's face it, lots can happen, anything is possible and only God can really tell. Talk about telling...suddenly I'm thinking about Him and what He'd do to me if He's to sit in front of me now and play facebook games over servings of coffee crumble ice cream 'til dawn...ohh that'd be such fun...

Or maybe not because He'd be asking me why I haven't been listening to Him...tsktsk...

God...well, funny that I had a habit of saying I hate Him...but then never really meant it because I know he's all that's sure to me. After all, I've never been really sure about my friends, my career, my parents, much less myself...it's only God that I have always strongly believed in. My true best friend who always knew how to be funny, perfect...I know He's quite the comedian, unleashing His creative antics over the lives of lousy screwed-up human beings who just...well, screw up some more...creative indeed- but nevertheless wise...

Yeas, the author of love also happens to be the author of wisdom. After all, who can own up to wisdom if not for He who provides it by request? Hahaha.

What am I saying...well, I need to stock up on that more than ever, I believe. Moving forward past my college life does not permit me to crack up and mess up my life even more. Moving forward entails a greater responsibility for me to avoid slipping and falling facedown- either on purpose or not. And the best way I can make less errors is to be wise only through God's provision of...yes, wisdom.

I think that with all my options now, this is the most important factor. Wisdom that comes from God is first of all, pure...

Okay, headache now...I think I need to rest. My wisdom tooth at the lower left end of my gums is coming out, so it's been quite a pain for 2 days now...and for 2 days I've had sore eyes...so there, need to rest up...

Hmm...funny how I can have such a knack for infection... Hahaha. Just need to power up the immune system and rest... And my devotions- I need to talk with God...I'm gasping for lack of it...

Nursing Nostalgia

2009-09-17T00:29:00.000+08:00

Anong size ng gloves mo?
>> Size 6.5

First ward na pinagdutihan mo?
>> Sta Catalina

First case mo sa OR?
>> Kidney transplant

Favorite nursing procedure mo?
>> Bedmaking, kasi easy siya and it's usually the time when I subtly assess and establish rapport with the patient and the relatives

Pinaka-hate mong nursing procedure?
>> Suctioning. You see the suffering and fury of the patient more than ever. Sobrang naaawa tlg ako, kasi naiisip ko, eh kung ako kaya ang ganunin...di ba...pero kailangan...hayy...

Saang procedure ka nahihirapan?
>> I think that'd be anything involving needles kasi I have some sort of phobia pa rin- I gotta get used to seeing the needle before going to the patient.

Namatayan ka na ba ng patient?
>> Yes, twice.

Nakapag post mortem care ka na ba?
>> Yeap.

Favorite area/ward mo?
>> Del Carmen Ward, kasi dun ako maraming natutunan at dun din ako nagka-night shifts.

Pinaka-hate mong area/ward?
>> Female surgery ward, because it gave me such bad memories.

Favorite CI mo?
>> Ma'am Sevilla, kasi for me she's very balanced and she really motivated me to learn a lot.

Eh sino naman pinakaayaw mong C.I?
>> Ahahaha. Yung nameet ko sa female surgery ward. Yun na yon. Grabeng torture...I think that's one memorable time in my college life that I wanted to just snap.

Bakit ka nga pala nag nursing?
>> Sabi ni mama. Hahaha.

Enjoy ka naman sa nursing?
>> Yes. Reasons: 1) I was able to help my patients. (praise God!) 2) I met 4-10 and RLE 2. 3) I was able to learn a lot. 4) I learned how to be sociable. 5) Here's how I met my Christian friends.

Maaga ka bang pumapasok?
>> Naw. Hahaha.

Madalas ka ba sa library?
>> Yes. 2 reasons: Biblio and case pres. But earlier in my college life I spent my time hiding out there when I felt lonely...often reading journals and blogging until 6pm.

Favorite nursing subject mo
>> MS!!!

Pinaka-hate mong nursing subject?
>> Pharma!!! Aaaaaaaa Pahamak talaga yan!

May ibinagsak ka na bang subjects?
>> Wla. Ay teka, sabit ako sa PE! Kasi hindi ko talaga mapalo yung volleyball nung exam! Talk about a major screwup! Hahahaha! 2.95 final grade ko dun...grabe talaga yun, hahahaha!

Madalas ka bang umabsent?
>> Nawp. Hmm...I think yung isang time talaga...I DID absent myself from duty one time to finish copying down a pathophy on manila paper and get a bit of sleep...nakakatawa na lang siya when I think about it. And then as an excuse, dapat may 'script' na kong hinanda with the help of my rle mates para makalusot, pero pagdating ni mam chua at tinanong ako, I just blurted out that i overslept. *gasp* What a shame... Yahahahahaha.

Kamusta naman ang capping at pinning ceremony mo?
>> It's just a blur. The oathtaking part...now that's quite a day...

Ano ang favorite mong nursing diagnosis?
>> Knowledge deficit: blah

Bakit naman?
>> I am keen on educating patients...and thus be able to empower them...naks!

I am burning with mad jealousy right now.

2009-09-02T21:21:00.002+08:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hay. darn darn darn.

what does it take to make people stay beside me for good?

it seems like i'm never gonna be good enough for anyone.

despair? inadequacy?

maybe i'm never fit to be a mentor. much less a nurse. or be a wife. or be a doting mother.

it sucks feeling useless and talentless. i'm never really good at anything. just domestic work, doodles, sending my concerns from afar...

i'm no industrious girl. not a doctor. not a topnotch nurse. not a pretty face. not even credible. not charming, not smiling. not free, not gutsy. not cool. not interesting. just plain old boring me. i can't even be nice, much less be a girl and dress like one. i can't even operate the american washing machine tub, fix the pc or talk about an insteresting series on tv. or swim to save my life.

maybe all that i'll ever be ten years from now is an old hermit living in an unpaid apartment. no internet, no job except for picking up trash...no company but my tv.

darn this idea. darn this blog.

darn me for feeling this way.

Living trees, night strolls and a lonely soul

2009-07-24T22:07:00.003+08:00

I intentionally did not post this anywhere else because it's rather personal. Well, as I can sense it, today I am having my typical unhappy tantrum. I'm just not in my element today.

It all started with a dream.

I was in this large clearing. The crisp smell of fresh night air hung out there like the black blanket of sky over me and many other kids my age who all decided to go for a stroll. With the moon up, it was a perfect night setting.

Or so I thought.

I was starting to walk randomly, relax and get comfortable with my surroundings, until I remembered this man whom I deeply love (in real life). I realized I didn't know where he was then. And I started to ask around on his whereabouts, like he was supposed to be there to share the stroll with me. Nobody seemed to know or care where he was then.

Suddenly, two guys in jackets came out of nowhere and strode on both sides of me. I recognized them in the dream as two of my lover's friends (though in real life I know I haven't met them). Holding me on the shoulders, they dared me:

"You really want to know where he is?"

I said, eagerly, "Yes, please. Where is he?"

"Well..." I sensed a moment of hesitation in him as he shifted his eyes to the ground. "Are you really sure about this?"

"Well of course."

And they looked at each other meaningfully, like they knew something that I didn't.

Slowly, a familiar feeling of intense pain and betrayal crept within me as I thought of the worst. And as a common defense mechanism I've been accustomed to use, I put on some emotional steel and simply said:

"Oh that's fine...he's always been like that. So where is he and who's he with?"

"Aw Anni...not that we mean to hurt you...but he's been spending time with...them."

"What?"

And then we followed a trail up...and saw this really huge tree with very big and lengthy branches. Since it was blocking our way, I thought I'd have to make it through without a problem by walking under the tangle of branches and shrubbery.

But then when I touched one of its main branches, it moved...and gave me a menacing look. It was alive!!!

"Be careful, let's go!" one of my companions shouted as I evaded its branches that were flailing at me.

After going past the living tree by going through a longer way, we managed to find our way on top of a hill. There, looking from above, I saw dearest hanging around with a lot of other people...and two skimpily-clad girls on either side. And he had his arms on their waists.

My companions were silent as I crouched on my place and took in the awful scene before me. And then after a while, I stood up and dusted myself. They were saying sorry, but it's not their fault right, so I ignored them and walked away, feeling so sad and pained.

...

And after a long turmoil of dreams...that's when I woke up with the sun shining through my windows. Of course I was very thankful that it was all in a dream...but then my emotions were dampened because although the events were not totally real, my feelings there were...

It made me think about life...and the many times that I felt insignificant and out of place...unwanted, ugly...useless, second best...talentless, tanga, walang utak... It made me think about the life that I want for myself, but just can't seem to live it for myself because of the many hindrances and obligations... It made me think about the many times that I needed to gather up my emotions, go to my room and start spilling an ocean of sorrow under my pillow. It made me recall the rejection and the hurt that I've encountered despite giving my best shot at something...or someone. It made me think about how sad it is that at age 22, I feel like I haven't even moved a pebble at all, much less a mountain...and everyone seems to be leaving me behind...and that just made me want to quit life.

I wish life were like work...so that if it didn't work out for you, you could just get it over with and quit. (And right now as I'm typing this, the fresh wave of hurt is coming in and I'm trying to stop the tears because I'm a big girl, crying's not expected in this house, and this isn't the way a Christian should be behaving.)

But then that's not the case right...

...I don't even know how to end this entry in a positive note, so I won't make up one.

...

All I know is, my Boss is watching. And I trust him to give me a sound answer...much, much better than what I- or anyone else in the world for that matter- can come up with.

The Rain

2009-07-17T18:53:00.000+08:00

(Influenced by the rainy night)

Ang ulan parang love yan
Get enough of it and you flourish
Take too much of it and you'll end up devastated
Have a drizzle of it and you'll thirst for more

But I wish it would rain frequently in my backyard.
That way I would not have to water my own plants.
...
That would be just sad...hahahaha...

To the rain clouds:

Ang ulan, pag pakonti-konti,
Walang gaanong epekto yan.
Hindi napapansin.
Pero ibigay mo lang nang todo,
Hayun, lalambot din ang lupa.
Ang mistulang tigang na lupain ay namamasa
At magbibitak-bitak din upang makapasok ang sarap ng tubig ulan.

Ngunit ingat sa pagpatak,
Baka sa labis na pagbuhos,
Pagkasira ang dala sa lahat ng nasasangkot.

Hahahaha!

Enough of the emo-rainess.

How to eat a chocolate bar

2009-06-24T18:38:00.000+08:00

I was watching a movie just a few hours ago and then one of the guys say, "There are many ways to eat a chocolate bar..."

That captured me. Yeah, there are many ways to eat a chocolate bar...like say, kitkat. You can tear off the wax paper and foil savagely and just bite off diagonally like a starving kid. Or maybe just slowly lift a corner of the foil and nibble gracefully. Or be conventional and do it as shown on tv, the slide n' snap method that they always feature as a recommendation. Or just be the choco rebel and snap it the opposite way before putting the finger pieces in your mouth. Or even be such a scrutinizing slowpoke and bite off all the chocolate coating before devouring the wafer inside. Like I usually prefer to. Hehehe.

Yeas, there's lots of ways to consume that yummy kitkat bar. And really, it doesn't take five seconds to go by our method of choice.

Then what's with this fuss about a chocolate bar?

Applying that to myself in a more profound way, I can say that life is like that kitkat bar. There are various ways on how to invest on life. But unlike chocolate, which we can purchase more than once, we only have one shot in life. And we don't want to mess up with it. This is where the importance of making the right choices comes in. Every decision and every action made is a portion of our lives that we can never get back.

So if you gobble everything up at once, you get overwhelmed...and a tummy ache- which isn't really enjoyable. Look at it forever and someone may come along to take it from you. Hide it in the fridge and you might just spoil it. Munch on it too fast and it may fall on the ground, wasted with too much pressure.

So invest wisely...take it eventually...and enjoy the richness of that delightfully sweet chocolate bar.^^

Current Status: Lone Bum

2009-06-22T19:02:00.000+08:00

...

I don't know why I'm even writing this...

Maybe because I don't know what else to do at the moment. See, I'm just a good bum these days...cooking, cleaning the house, doing my laundry...that sort of thing. Other than that, I'm just lying around with books, paper and pen, the piano, TV, or facing the laptop or PC.

Ah, well...I deserve the long-awaited break...until the board results come out, I'm stuck with other things to do. Like maybe going out almost every night, watching movies, dancing in arcades, contemplating on questions without answers, texting as much as I want...

Or maybe an art class, nine sessions. Or getting my midwifery certification, if that's possible now. Or perhaps writing my book. Or how about attending an oncology seminar in Greenhills...yeah, lots of possiblities.

Somehow I feel like I just opened Pandora's box...endless possibilities, lots of chaos potential on my part. Most of the turmoil, though, is just in my head. And it's messin' up my system up there real nice.

Anni, get some sleep. The heck are you thinking again...

BTW, note for the day...I just lost 2 pounds...and that's me on a vacation. And no, I'm not on a diet.